Lew has given me quite a few laughs over the years. If tis hasn't been seen
here before, I hope it returns the favour courtesy of my 30 year old son.
ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS
Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary
submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term
adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety...??WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought
it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed
the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get
the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the
prongs.AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that
burn spot is on the face of her microwave.Okay, so I was home alone with
this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only
two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want
some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
Tazer in another.
The directions said that:a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly
make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst
longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm
looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute
really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm
sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so
as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such
a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a
one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked
thigh, pushed the button, and...HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS
DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the
side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the
carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side
in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my
body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making
meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging
above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my
body flopping all over the living room.
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of
caution:There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later
(I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected
my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally
was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching..
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure,
and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now
regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try
being stupid!!!!