Terry Jones
Wednesday June 16, 2004
The Guardian <http://www.guardian.co.uk>
For some time now, I've been trying to find out where my son goes after
choir practice. He simply refuses to tell me. He says it's no business of
mine where he goes after choir practice and it's a free country.
Now it may be a free country, but if people start going just anywhere they
like after choir practice, goodness knows whether we'll have a country left
to be free. I mean, he might be going to anarchist meetings or Islamic study
groups. How do I know?
The thing is, if people don't say where they're going after choir practice,
this country is at risk. So I have been applying a certain amount of
pressure on my son to tell me where he's going. To begin with I simply put a
bag over his head and chained him to a radiator. But did that
persuade him? Does the Pope eat kosher?
My wife had the gall to suggest that I might be going a bit too far. So I
put a bag over her head and chained her to the radiator. But I still
couldn't persuade my son to tell me where he goes after choir practice.
I tried starving him, serving him only cold meals and shaving his facial
hair off, keeping him in stress positions, not turning his light off,
playing loud music outside his cell door - all the usual stuff that any
concerned parent will do to find out where their child is going after choir
practice. But it was all to no avail.
I hesitated to gravitate to harsher interrogation methods because, after
all, he is my son. Then Donald Rumsfeld came to my rescue.I read in the New
York Times last week that a memo had been prepared for the defence secretary
on March 6 2003. It laid down the strictest guidelines as to what is and
what is not torture. Because, let's face it, none of us want to actually
torture our children, in case the police get to hear about it.
The March 6 memo, prepared for Mr Rumsfeld explained that what may look like
torture is not really torture at all. It states that: if someone "knows that
severe pain will result from his actions, if causing such harm is not his
objective, he lacks the requisite specific intent even though the defendant
did not act in good faith".
What this means in understandable English is that if a parent, in his
anxiety to know where his son goes after choir practice, does something that
will cause severe pain to his son, it is only "torture" if the causing of
that severe pain is his objective. If his objective is something else - such
as finding out where his son goes after choir practice - then it is not
torture. Mr Rumsfeld's memo goes on: "a
defendant" (by which he means a concerned parent) "is guilty of torture only
if he acts with the express purpose of inflicting severe pain or suffering
on a person within his control".
Couldn't be clearer. If your intention is to extract inforrmation, you
cannot be accused of torture. In fact, the report went further. It said, if
a parent "has a good-faith belief [that] his actions will not result in
prolonged mental harm, he lacks the mental state necessary for his actions
to constitute torture". So all you've got to do to avoid accusations of
child abuse is to say that you didn't think it would cause any lasting harm
to the child. Easy peasy!
I currently have a lot of my son's friends locked up in the
garage, and I'm applying electrical charges to their genitals and sexually
humiliating them in order to get them to tell me where my son goes after
choir practice.
Dick Cheney's counsel, David S Addington, says that's just fine. William J
Haynes, the US defence department's general counsel, agrees it's just fine.
And so does the US air force general counsel, Mary Walker.
In fact, practically everybody in the US administration seems to think it's
just fine, except for the state department lawyer, William H. Taft IV, who
perversely claims that I might be opening the door to people applying
electrical charges to my genitals and sexually humiliating me.
So I'm going to round up all the children in the neighbourhood, chain them
and set dogs on them. I might accidentally kill one or two - but I won't
have intended to - and perhaps I'll take some photos of my wife standing on
the dead bodies, and then I'll show the photos to the
other kids, and finally, perhaps, I might get to find out where my son goes
after choir practice.
In article <[email protected]>, Todd Fatheree
<[email protected]> wrote:
> Is Terry Jones in the UK like George Carlin here? Funny about 20 years ago
> until he decided he was a great political thinker?
Just take the word "political" out of the above sentence and you've got
it.
djb
"David Hall" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]
> I assume your son has not been recently involved in murdering innocent
> parishiners during choir practice that might heighten your concern regarding
> his after choir practice activities?
I assume your parry shiners are not of a brown skinned persuasion? That
if they are then they are congenitally guilty of something or other?
--
Posted via Mailgate.ORG Server - http://www.Mailgate.ORG
On Tue, 22 Jun 2004 20:00:21 -0700, Kim Whitmyre <[email protected]> wrote:
> In article <[email protected]>,
> [email protected] says...
>> Yes I am sure that the conductor freely selected by representatives of
>> his choir members is in much more need of replacement than the
>> conductor of the choir from the cult that gets them to sing better by
>> throwing a few into a shredder every now and then ;)
>
> Badda Boom, Badda Bing! The winnah has spoken! This was a contest to see
> who was the most ignorant, provincial f**k among us. .
So, the shredder didn't exist then, Kim?
"Bob" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:<[email protected]>...
> "David Hall" wrote in message...
> > SNIP lots o' crap
> >
> > I assume your son has not been recently involved in murdering innocent
> > parishiners during choir practice that might heighten your concern
> regarding
> > his after choir practice activities?
> >
> > Dave Hall
>
> Maybe not. But he may have felt that he was defending his choir from a much
> better-funded choir from 10,000 miles away. A choir that is intent on
> pushing the songs it wants sung and installing its own conductor for the
> "good" of his son's choir. But the son's choir doesn't want to sing those
> songs, and probably never will. Meanwhile, the conductor that really needed
> to be replaced is still in power just waiting for his choir to sing his
> songs.
>
> -Bob
Yes I am sure that the conductor freely selected by representatives of
his choir members is in much more need of replacement than the
conductor of the choir from the cult that gets them to sing better by
throwing a few into a shredder every now and then ;)
Dave Hall
"patrick conroy" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:<[email protected]>...
> "Neil" <[email protected]> wrote in message
> news:[email protected]...
> >
> >
> > Carlin was at least a good comparison- he has become quite political,
> > philosophical, and unfunny late in his career.
>
> Half-agree with you. I still find some of Carlin's routines funny. Yet I
> wonder if the root cause is we've *both* changed/aged? Gallagher's routines
> are wearing thin on me too these days.
These days, the funniest man I've heard is Ron White. His "I got
kicked out of a bar" routine is just hilarious.
Aha! Thanks. Cleared that right up! :>)
Kevin
--
=====
"J. Clarke" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
> Kevin Singleton wrote:
>
> > "Parishiners"?
>
> Persons who distill the communion wine into brandy in the church basement?
>
"Parishiners"?
Kevin
--
=====
Found: Iraqi WMDs! Please appear in person to claim!
"David Hall" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
> SNIP lots o' crap
>
> I assume your son has not been recently involved in murdering innocent
> parishiners during choir practice that might heighten your concern
regarding
> his after choir practice activities?
>
> Dave Hall
>
"David Hall" wrote in message...
> SNIP lots o' crap
>
> I assume your son has not been recently involved in murdering innocent
> parishiners during choir practice that might heighten your concern
regarding
> his after choir practice activities?
>
> Dave Hall
Maybe not. But he may have felt that he was defending his choir from a much
better-funded choir from 10,000 miles away. A choir that is intent on
pushing the songs it wants sung and installing its own conductor for the
"good" of his son's choir. But the son's choir doesn't want to sing those
songs, and probably never will. Meanwhile, the conductor that really needed
to be replaced is still in power just waiting for his choir to sing his
songs.
-Bob
"Bob Schmall" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
> Terry Jones
> Wednesday June 16, 2004
> The Guardian <http://www.guardian.co.uk>
>
> For some time now, I've been trying to find out where my son goes after
> choir practice. He simply refuses to tell me. He says it's no business of
> mine where he goes after choir practice and it's a free country.
<snip>
Is Terry Jones in the UK like George Carlin here? Funny about 20 years ago
until he decided he was a great political thinker?
todd
It's not ethics; it's satire. And, it's borderline funny.
Kevin
--
=====
Found: Iraqi WMDs! Please appear in person to claim!
"Gordon Airporte" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
> > <snip>
> >
> > Is Terry Jones in the UK like George Carlin here? Funny about 20 years
ago
> > until he decided he was a great political thinker?
> >
> > todd
> >
>
> It's not politics, it's ethics.
>
>
"Kevin Singleton" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
>
>
> "Parishiners"?
>
Either it was a typo - he mean parishriners. Two Fez, two vespas,
beautifully choreographed...
Or maybe he meant two bottles of this: http://www.shiner.com/home.html
[email protected] <[email protected]> wrote:
> During first trip to Boston area ordered coffee at coffee shop and
> waitress asked "Want that regular?" and I answered "Yes" expecting
> black. Got cream. Never did figure that one out.
In New York that would have meant with cream and sugar.
I grew up close enough to NY City (Denville, NJ) that
"regular" coffee was understood to mean "with cream and sugar."
This was before decaf was quite so ubiquitous. In those
days if you wanted decaf you asked for "Sanka."
Anyway, I moved to Virginia and after living here for
many years went up to NY to visit some relatives.
I stopped into a deli to buy a cup of coffee, and when
the counter person asked "regular?" I assumed they meant
with caffeine, but when I took a sip my memory was jogged
and the true meaning came back to me. ;-)
Bill Ranck
Blacksburg, Va.
On Mon, 21 Jun 2004 14:51:26 -0500, "Todd Fatheree"
<[email protected]> vaguely proposed a theory
......and in reply I say!:
remove ns from my header address to reply via email
Regardless of your wording, and politics, ethics etc, maybe he was not
just trying to be funny!
Do you disagree with what he is saying?
I happen to think it is moderately amusing, and has something to say.
>Is Terry Jones in the UK like George Carlin here? Funny about 20 years ago
>until he decided he was a great political thinker?
>
>todd
>
SNL and MNF.
Kevin
--
=====
Found: Iraqi WMDs! Please appear in person to claim!
"Neil" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
> >
> But since you brought him up, did Dennis Miller ever have an act that
> wasn't based on political humor? Not that I recall.
>
> Neil
That's the way it's done, back home. My favorite coke is Dr. Pepper!
Kevin
--
=====
"patrick conroy" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
>
> "Kevin Singleton" <[email protected]> wrote in message
> news:[email protected]...
> >
> > I ended up with a Bud Light. Damn yankees.
> >
>
> That's OK - lemme' tell you about the time, shortly after I moved to Fort
> Worth, I ordered a Coke and she shot back "What kind?".
>
> Swear-to-God, I was "ka-flumoxed" for 30 seconds.
> She knew I was from "up north" and enjoyed every second of my
bewilderment!
>
>
>
That may well depend upon whether you're an audience member, or a potential
choir member! :>)
Kevin
--
=====
"David Hall" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
>
> Yes I am sure that the conductor freely selected by representatives of
> his choir members is in much more need of replacement than the
> conductor of the choir from the cult that gets them to sing better by
> throwing a few into a shredder every now and then ;)
During first trip to Boston area ordered coffee at coffee shop and
waitress asked "Want that regular?" and I answered "Yes" expecting
black. Got cream. Never did figure that one out.
On Thu, 24 Jun 2004 22:24:48 GMT, "patrick conroy"
<[email protected]> wrote:
>
>"Kevin Singleton" <[email protected]> wrote in message
>news:[email protected]...
>>
>> I ended up with a Bud Light. Damn yankees.
>>
>
>That's OK - lemme' tell you about the time, shortly after I moved to Fort
>Worth, I ordered a Coke and she shot back "What kind?".
>
>Swear-to-God, I was "ka-flumoxed" for 30 seconds.
>She knew I was from "up north" and enjoyed every second of my bewilderment!
>
>
"J. Clarke" <[email protected]> wrote:
>Kevin Singleton wrote:
>
>> "Parishiners"?
>
>Persons who distill the communion wine into brandy in the church basement?
I thought it was a person who polished things like the Tour Eiffel,
Arc de Triomphe, Louvre, etc. But I guess that would have two s's
--
Alex
Make the obvious change in the return address to reply by email.
"Kevin Singleton" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
>
> I ended up with a Bud Light. Damn yankees.
>
That's OK - lemme' tell you about the time, shortly after I moved to Fort
Worth, I ordered a Coke and she shot back "What kind?".
Swear-to-God, I was "ka-flumoxed" for 30 seconds.
She knew I was from "up north" and enjoyed every second of my bewilderment!
>
>> Is Terry Jones in the UK like George Carlin here? Funny about 20 years
>> ago
>> until he decided he was a great political thinker?
>>
>> todd
>>
> You're thinking of Dennis Miller.
> j4
>
Carlin was at least a good comparison- he has become quite political,
philosophical, and unfunny late in his career.
But since you brought him up, did Dennis Miller ever have an act that
wasn't based on political humor? Not that I recall.
Neil
When I moved to Pennsylvania, we drove through Ohio on the way up from
Texas. We stopped at a restaurant (a chain, maybe Applebee's?), and I
ordered a Shiner Bock. After about 5 minutes of repeating the order with
decreasing speed and at an escalating volume and using my best attempts at
sign language, the pimply-faced waiter finally understood my request, and
asked, "What kind of vodka would you like?"
I ended up with a Bud Light. Damn yankees.
Kevin
--
=====
"patrick conroy" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
>
> Or maybe he meant two bottles of this: http://www.shiner.com/home.html
"Neil" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
>
>
> Carlin was at least a good comparison- he has become quite political,
> philosophical, and unfunny late in his career.
Half-agree with you. I still find some of Carlin's routines funny. Yet I
wonder if the root cause is we've *both* changed/aged? Gallagher's routines
are wearing thin on me too these days.
Bob Schmall wrote:
> Terry Jones
> Wednesday June 16, 2004
> The Guardian <http://www.guardian.co.uk>
>
> For some time now, I've been trying to find out where my son goes after
> choir practice. He simply refuses to tell me. He says it's no business of
> mine where he goes after choir practice and it's a free country.
[snip]
Ahhhhhhh. The full Monty. Exquisite.
mahalo,
jo4hn
In article <[email protected]>,
[email protected] says...
> Yes I am sure that the conductor freely selected by representatives of
> his choir members is in much more need of replacement than the
> conductor of the choir from the cult that gets them to sing better by
> throwing a few into a shredder every now and then ;)
>
> Dave Hall
>
>
Badda Boom, Badda Bing! The winnah has spoken! This was a contest to see
who was the most ignorant, provincial f**k among us. . You , obviously,
have swallowed the hook deep!!. So you win: Congratulations!! ;~)
Kim