A Modest Proposal

There are losers. There are damned losers. And there are trolls.

My guess would be that there are numerous academic studies on the
psychology of trolls. If not, somebody is passing up a fundable
opportunity.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders must surely
have enshrined these lamers in the most current version. If not, it
needs to be updated.

Down here at ground level, we wreckers see them blow through with the
intensity, discomfort level and, fortunately, intermittency of the
chinook wind.

I enjoy them, once in a while, if they are entertaining and have a bit
of wit.

Mostly, they have neither.

I was thinking about capturing one and observing its behavior. In the
interest of science, you know.

Using the Sam Spade software and a couple of other little tracing
devices that I won't name, I figured I'd follow one of the little
fellas back to his nasty lair and observe him in his natural state for
a bit.

My recall of the scientific method is a bit pecky but I believe that
you start with a theory, then you observe, collect and quantify. Then
you publish and sell the results to a pharmaceutical company for big
bucks. The appearance on Jerry Springer is an optional step.

Anyways, I'm figuring on locating a troll, I'd like to restrict my
research to one of those who bother the peace and shared wisdom of the
wreck, and then watch him for a little bit.

My theory would be that he is in a basement somewhere because his
parents won't let him into the living areas of the regular house
anymore. My theory further postulates that he has parents and is
living at home because a troll could not possibly be self sufficient
and would require a parasitical relationship with his parents in order
to have the means of subsistence.

This will create a challenge during the collection phase but I have a
solution for that.

I figure on watching him eat his Cheetos and drink his soda pop and,
as my theory has it, generally demonstrate the dietary habits of a
housefly. I'll watch him masturbate for as long as I can stomach it,
as my theory is that he is incapable of actual human contact but my
stomach isn't all that good, even when encouraged in the cause of
science, so this phase may be somewhat truncated. I will take good
notes.

Back to that solution for the basement problem during the capture
phase.

I learned a great deal about how to handle difficult people from
watching the Hannibal Lecter movie. I have a pretty good refrigerator
dolly here in the shop and I figure it would be first rate, once I'd
duct taped the little shite up, in getting him up the steps of that
basement. Of course, once I get him in the bed of the truck, I'll
bungi him to the gang box vertically, so that the police can see that
I have a troll onboard and will not stop me in the mistaken assumption
that I am doing anything other than acting in the cause of science.

I wish I had one of those fine masks like they did in the Lecter movie
but there's not much call for them in the cabinet business. I do have
an old set of fiberglass reinforced kneepads and one of them should do
for a mask. Not quite official and scientific, you know, but, if I
drill some holes for the eyes and mouth, it oughta pass.

Once we're back at the shop, and I expect to do this while the weather
is still warm enough so that he don't freeze to death on the ride, as
this would ruin the experiment and I'd have to suffer through the
whole Cheetos and masturbation thing again; I'm thinking on putting
him in the space where I keep the dust collector, down below the main
shop floor. He won't be able to stand up and he won't be able to
stretch his arms out but I'm figuring that they don't really need that
to act as they do in their natural state.

I'll throw my old 486 computer down there, with the low baud modem;
I'd like to observe him while he's under stress, you see. I'll toss
down a months supply of Cheetos and some cheap soda pop - might be
some Twinkies in there for grins, I don't want it to be said that I
didn't provide him with a varied diet.

Well, that's the plan, so far. I just need to hook up with an
adequate test subject.

There are a few candidates on the wreck, just right now.

I wonder which one I should pick?

I will publish my results right here on the wreck.

I believe that would be appropriate.

Yours in the cause of science,

Regards, Tom
Tom Watson - Woodworker
Gulph Mills, Pennsylvania
http://users.snip.net/~tjwatson

DB

Dave Balderstone