A blond gets on a plane and goes up to first-class.
The flight attendant tells her that she will have to move back; her
ticket is not for first class.
The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to
California."
The main flight attendant is brought in and explains that she will
have to move.
The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to
California."
The attendants tell the pilot.
He comes in and looks the situation over. He leans over and whispers
something to the blond and she gets up immediately and moves out of
first class.
The attendants are flabbergasted, "What did you say to her?"
"I just told her that this section of the plane doesn't go to
California."
In article <[email protected]>, Bill Stock
<[email protected]> wrote:
> "What's the matter;" they all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
You really have to hear it sung (very, very fast), but:
The Smallest Thing That's Known to Man (AKA The Shower Song) -- Lorne
Elliot
The smallest thing that's known to man's a subatomic particle measured
scientifically under lab conditions to be ten centimetres taken to the
minus thirteenth power
But though this thing is very small it's really not that small at all
compared to the line that is ever so fine, that seperates the hot from
the cold on the handle of my shower
But even if you manage to adjust it just exactly like you like it
there are still one hundred thousand different combinations different
permutations things which can and maybe will go wrong
Like when I'm in the shower with the woman that I love, and just at
the moment of extreme excitation some guy in the apartment below turns
his dishwasher on.
And the water comes out cold and my woman goes eek! and steps on the
soap nearly breaks her neck as it was she only suffered from some
minor scrapes and bruises because just as she was falling she made a
desperate grab for the nearest thing around her so that no fatal harm
would occur
which was fortunate for her but unfortunate for me cause the thing she
made a grab for happened to be something near and dear to both of us
tho' to be fair she wasn't thinking how extremely dear it was to me as
how conveniently near it was to her
But it's an interesting biologic metabolic fundamnetal scientific not
to say a physiological fact
That when subjected to the stimulus of sub-zero h2o the male private
areas have the tendency to rapidly contract.
So this is what they did, and that is why she missed them, made a grab
behind them, what it was she finally caught
Was the handle of my shower which she twisted as she fell past the
smallest thing that's known to man and suddenly the water came out
...Hot
And I went eek! and I fainted unconcious and my woman got me outa
there and twe weeks later my poor private areas finally got the
courage to emerge tho' even now they haven't yet regained their normal
size and weight and span
In fact for a while there they had successfully broken all previous
world records for the smallest thing that's known to man.
In article <[email protected]>, Fuddzy
<[email protected]> wrote:
> J.B. Bobbitt wrote:
> > A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "So why the long face?"
> >
> >
> John Kerry walks into a bar.......
> The bartender says "So why the long face?"
Cher walks into a bar.
The bartender says "So why the long face?"
In article <[email protected]>,
No Spam <[email protected]> wrote:
>GregP <[email protected]> wrote:
>
>>On Sat, 05 Feb 2005 03:07:11 GMT, "J.B. Bobbitt"
>><[email protected]> wrote:
>>
>>>A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "So why the long face?"
>>>
>>
>>
>> A priest, rabbi, and mullah walk into a bar. The bartender
>> looks up and says "What is this, some kind of a joke ?"
>
>
>A dyslexic walks into a bra
Oh, Lordie. Several years ago, on the 'home automation' newsgroup,
somebody made exactly that typo, and posted a query about plans for
building a "bra code reader". The ensuing hilariaty went on for
several *weeks*.
Including one wiseacre who opined:
"The accuracy of a bra code reader is inversely
proportional to the amount of free mammary."
In article <[email protected]>,
Bob Bowles <[email protected]> wrote:
>On Tue, 08 Feb 2005 18:04:50 -0000, [email protected]
>(Robert Bonomi) wrote:
>
>>In article <[email protected]>,
>>No Spam <[email protected]> wrote:
>>>GregP <[email protected]> wrote:
>>>
>>>>On Sat, 05 Feb 2005 03:07:11 GMT, "J.B. Bobbitt"
>>>><[email protected]> wrote:
>>>>
>>>>>A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "So why the long face?"
>>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> A priest, rabbi, and mullah walk into a bar. The bartender
>>>> looks up and says "What is this, some kind of a joke ?"
>>>
>>>
>>>A dyslexic walks into a bra
>>
>>Oh, Lordie. Several years ago, on the 'home automation' newsgroup,
>>somebody made exactly that typo, and posted a query about plans for
>>building a "bra code reader". The ensuing hilariaty went on for
>>several *weeks*.
>>
>>Including one wiseacre who opined:
>> "The accuracy of a bra code reader is inversely
>> proportional to the amount of free mammary."
>>
>>
>
>Brings to mind the group for Mothers Against Dyslexia DAM.
>
That's *NUDE* Mothers Against, Dyslexia, actually.
In article <[email protected]>,
charlie b <[email protected]> wrote:
>A dyslexic guy walks into a bra . .
Do a google groups search, in the group 'sci.electronics', back in 1995, for
what happened when a guy posted looking for schematics for a bra code reader.
On Sat, 05 Feb 2005 04:03:04 GMT, Dave Miller
<[email protected]> wrote:
>one more time.
>
>Two blondes are sitting on a front porch one evening in Oklahoma. It's
>a beautiful clear night and there's a full moon. Looking up at the
>moon, the first blonde asks "Which do you think is further away, the
>moon, or Florida?"
>
>The second blonde can't believe her friend would ask such a dumb
>question, and replies "Well, duh! Florida is further away. After all,
>you can SEE the moon!"
>
This is another of those unfortunate instances of the blonde leading
the blonde.
Sad really.
tjwatson1ATcomcastDOTnet (real email)
http://home.comcast.net/~tjwatson1 (webpage)
Q: Why do blond men walk around with their flies undone?
A: So they can count to eleven.
Gerry
In article <[email protected]>, Charlie Self
<[email protected]> wrote:
> Florida Blonde in West Virginia
>
>
> > As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of
> > her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers
> > the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some
> > of your load."
> >
> > The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck
> stops
> > for another red light, the girl catches up again.She jumps out of her car,
> > runs up and knocks on the door.
> >
> > Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the
> > blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of
> > your load!"
> >
> > Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the
> > street.
> >
> > At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath,
> > the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the truck door. The
> > trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and
> you
> > are losing some of your load!
> >
> > When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next
> light.
> >
> > When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back
> > to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says...
> >
> > "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in West Virginia and I'm driving a SALT
> > TRUCK
>
> Charlie Self
> "I think we agree, the past is over." George W. Bush
Florida Blonde in West Virginia
> As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of
> her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers
> the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some
> of your load."
>
> The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck
stops
> for another red light, the girl catches up again.She jumps out of her car,
> runs up and knocks on the door.
>
> Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the
> blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of
> your load!"
>
> Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the
> street.
>
> At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath,
> the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the truck door. The
> trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and
you
> are losing some of your load!
>
> When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next
light.
>
> When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back
> to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says...
>
> "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in West Virginia and I'm driving a SALT
> TRUCK
Charlie Self
"I think we agree, the past is over." George W. Bush
GregP <[email protected]> wrote:
>On Sat, 05 Feb 2005 03:07:11 GMT, "J.B. Bobbitt"
><[email protected]> wrote:
>
>>A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "So why the long face?"
>>
>
>
> A priest, rabbi, and mullah walk into a bar. The bartender
> looks up and says "What is this, some kind of a joke ?"
A dyslexic walks into a bra
--
On Tue, 08 Feb 2005 11:53:58 -0800, Bob Bowles <[email protected]> wrote:
> Brings to mind the group for Mothers Against Dyslexia DAM.
Why, do they top-post too?
one more time.
Two blondes are sitting on a front porch one evening in Oklahoma. It's
a beautiful clear night and there's a full moon. Looking up at the
moon, the first blonde asks "Which do you think is further away, the
moon, or Florida?"
The second blonde can't believe her friend would ask such a dumb
question, and replies "Well, duh! Florida is further away. After all,
you can SEE the moon!"
Bill Stock wrote:
> A blond gets on a plane and goes up to first-class.
>
> The flight attendant tells her that she will have to move back; her
> ticket is not for first class.
>
> The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to
> California."
>
> The main flight attendant is brought in and explains that she will
> have to move.
>
> The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to
> California."
>
> The attendants tell the pilot.
>
> He comes in and looks the situation over. He leans over and whispers
> something to the blond and she gets up immediately and moves out of
> first class.
>
> The attendants are flabbergasted, "What did you say to her?"
>
> "I just told her that this section of the plane doesn't go to
> California."
>
>
Brings to mind the group for Mothers Against Dyslexia DAM.
On Tue, 08 Feb 2005 18:04:50 -0000, [email protected]
(Robert Bonomi) wrote:
>In article <[email protected]>,
>No Spam <[email protected]> wrote:
>>GregP <[email protected]> wrote:
>>
>>>On Sat, 05 Feb 2005 03:07:11 GMT, "J.B. Bobbitt"
>>><[email protected]> wrote:
>>>
>>>>A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "So why the long face?"
>>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> A priest, rabbi, and mullah walk into a bar. The bartender
>>> looks up and says "What is this, some kind of a joke ?"
>>
>>
>>A dyslexic walks into a bra
>
>Oh, Lordie. Several years ago, on the 'home automation' newsgroup,
>somebody made exactly that typo, and posted a query about plans for
>building a "bra code reader". The ensuing hilariaty went on for
>several *weeks*.
>
>Including one wiseacre who opined:
> "The accuracy of a bra code reader is inversely
> proportional to the amount of free mammary."
>
>
A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He find his way to a
barstool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud
voice,
"Hey bartender, you wanna hear the best dumb blonde joke ever?"
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a deep, husky voice, the
woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is
fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things . . .
One: The bartender is a blonde woman.
Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.
Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional
boxer.
Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate
and a very bad attitude!
Now, think about it seriously, mister.
Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and says: "Nah, not if
I'm gonna have to explain it five times!"
Art
"Bill Stock" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
A blond gets on a plane and goes up to first-class.
<snip>
"jo4hn" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
> Bill Stock wrote:
> [snip of funny stuff]
> Here's one more:
>
> */Bob, a good-looking guy, walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He
> sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. The
> 10:00 news was just coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a
> man on a ledge of a large building about to jump. The blonde looks at
> Bob and says, "Do you think he'll jump?" Bob says, "You know, I bet he
> will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." /*
> */
> Bob placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!" /*
> */
> Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive
> off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and
> handed her $20 to Bob and said, "Fair is fair. Here's your money." /*
> */
> Bob replies, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5
> o'clock news and knew he would jump." /*
> /
> //*The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."*/
Here's one more for JT
Subject: If I needed a reason *NOT* to get a cat, other than my allergies,
and not being at all
fond of them, this would be it:
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top
this one.
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate
my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the
truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had
sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the
next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozey to explain the
bandage on the top of my head.
The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes
to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no
problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my
wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey! The garbage disposal
is dead again. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-
patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me
in?"
There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a
second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent
outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour
as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head
under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember
performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.
No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal
teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling
objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the
corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise
moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly
offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.
I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly
rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten
hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a
"fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the
"flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up
into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my
ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not
many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen
floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that"
paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the
paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work,
all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter--and not
succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back
in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me
about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk
about, which it was.
"What's the matter;" they all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
>Subject: If I needed a reason *NOT* to get a cat, other than my allergies,
>and not being at all
>fond of them, this would be it:
>
>We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top
>this one.
>
>Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate
>my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
>
>On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the
>truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had
>sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the
>next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozey to explain the
>bandage on the top of my head.
>
>The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes
>to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no
>problem.
>
>Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my
>wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey! The garbage disposal
>is dead again. Please come reset it."
>
>"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-
>patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
>
>"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me
>in?"
>
>There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a
>second."
>
>So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent
>outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour
>as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head
>under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember
>performing.
>
>It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.
>No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal
>teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling
>objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the
>corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise
>moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly
>offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.
>
>I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly
>rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten
>hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a
>"fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the
>"flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up
>into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my
>ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.
>
>When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not
>many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen
>floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that"
>paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the
>paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work,
>all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter--and not
>succeeding.
>
>Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back
>in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me
>about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk
>about, which it was.
>
>"What's the matter;" they all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
"Bob Bowles" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
> Brings to mind the group for Mothers Against Dyslexia DAM.
>
Not to be confused with DAMM, Drunks Against Mad Mothers.
jrkingsley
On Sat, 05 Feb 2005 03:07:11 GMT, "J.B. Bobbitt"
<[email protected]> wrote:
>A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "So why the long face?"
>
A priest, rabbi, and mullah walk into a bar. The bartender
looks up and says "What is this, some kind of a joke ?"
On 8 Feb 2005 20:00:53 GMT, Dave Hinz <[email protected]> wrote:
Because they hate you too.
>On Tue, 08 Feb 2005 11:53:58 -0800, Bob Bowles <[email protected]> wrote:
>> Brings to mind the group for Mothers Against Dyslexia DAM.
>
>Why, do they top-post too?
>
tjwatson1ATcomcastDOTnet (real email)
http://home.comcast.net/~tjwatson1 (webpage)
Dyslexic Athiest carrying a sign, "there is no dog".
<[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
>I saw a t-shirt one time that had the slogan "Dyslexics of the World
> Untie".
>
Bill Stock wrote:
[snip of funny stuff]
Here's one more:
*/Bob, a good-looking guy, walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He
sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. The
10:00 news was just coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a
man on a ledge of a large building about to jump. The blonde looks at
Bob and says, "Do you think he'll jump?" Bob says, "You know, I bet he
will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." /*
*/
Bob placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!" /*
*/
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive
off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and
handed her $20 to Bob and said, "Fair is fair. Here's your money." /*
*/
Bob replies, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5
o'clock news and knew he would jump." /*
/
//*The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."*/