Anti-FAQ (Posted for the newly arrived)

The following was posted by Pat Barber on January 15, 2009. Today seems to be
an appropriate day to repost it.

I hoist a homebrew to those regulars who no longer post here, for whatever
reason, and hope that those who have wandered away and will come back and visit
once in a while. I know I speak for a lot of old timers here when I say your
presence is missed.

For newcomers, section 1.0 to 1.11 of the Anti-FAQ cover the general behaviors
and courtesy expected in this group and is required reading before posting your
first time. Section 2 begins the valuable woodworking information, tips and
advice. Notice I follow protocol 1.2, paragraph 2, in every post. Thank you
for writing this, Luigi, and teaching me the proper methods those many years
ago.

Happy April Fool's Day to all you Old Farts.

Regards,
Roy

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Too many people were involved to thank everybody:

rec.woodworkings ANTI-FAQ
Revised December 9, 1998

OUTLINE
1. GENERAL.
1.1 INTRODUCTION.
1.2 POSTING GUIDELINES.
1.3 SHOULD I POST IF I AM A WOMAN?
1.4 WHAT IF IM A GAY WOODWORKER?
1.5 WHAT SHOULD I DO WHEN I SEE A POST I DONT LIKE?
1.6 WHAT SHOULD I DO ABOUT SPAM?
1.7 HOW DO I ADVERTISE MY REALLY NEAT WOODWORKING PRODUCT ON THE NET?
1.8 ARE HUMOROUS POSTS ALLOWED?
1.9 THERE ARE TOO MANY POSTS IN THIS GROUP, I HAVE A SUGGESTIONS ON
HOW TO SPLIT IT.
1.10 INTERNET RESOURCES
1.11 RESOURCES FOR UK WOODWORKERS?
2. SHOULD I BUY A TABLE SAW OR A RADIAL ARM SAW?
3. WHAT IS THE BEST TABLE SAW?
4. WHICH SAW BLADE SHOULD I BUY?
5. WHAT IS THE BEST ROUTER?
6. HOW DO I FIX SLIPPING BITS IN MY SEARS ROUTER?
7. HOW DO I MAKE A PUSH STICK?
8. HOW DO I PREVENT MY TOOLS FROM RUSTING?
9. HOW DO I REMOVE RUST FROM MY TOOLS?
10. WHICH TYPE OF DADO BLADE SHOULD I BUY, THE DIAL (WOBBLE TYPE) OR
THE STACKING (CHIPPER TYPE)?
11. SHOULD I BUY A SEARS BLURFL?
12. SHOULD I BUY A TAIWANESE CLONE BLURFL?
13. WHAT SHOULD I DO WHEN THE TRUCKDRIVER REFUSES TO UNLOAD AND SET UP
MY NEW 2000LB MAIL ORDER BLURFL?
14. IS RIDGID (ALSO SPELLED RIGID, RIDGED, ETC.) ANY GOOD?
15. WHAT SHOULD I DO IF HD WONT MATCH A PRICE?
16. SHOULD I GET A DUST COLLECTOR?
17. HOW DO I WIRE MY SHOP?
18. SHOULD I USE A HOT MELT GLUE GUN FOR MY NEXT PROJECT?
19. WHERE CAN I GET PLANS FOR THE NEW YANKEE WORKSHOP PROJECTS?
20. WHAT BOOKS SHOULD I PURCHASE TO LEARN ABOUT VARIOUS ASPECTS OF
WOODWORKING?
21. WHAT IS THE BEST WOODWORKING MAGAZINE?
22. HOW DO I CUT DOVETAILS
23. I THINK NORM COULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING IN A BETTER WAY ...
24. WHY IS BOB VILA SUCH A JERK?
25. WHAT IS A BOARD FOOT?
26. WHAT IS THE CORRECT WAY TO HANDLE THE GLUE SQUEEZE OUT PROBLEM?
27. HOW DO I REMOVE PAINT ON AN ANTIQUE?
28. HOW DO I GET RID OF CAT URINE STAINS?
29. HOW DO I MAKE A TACK CLOTH?
30. HOW DO I FINISH TOYS?
31. WHAT IS THE BEST FINISH FOR A CUTTING BOARD?
32. HOW DO I FINISH CHERRY?
33. WHAT IS THE BEST FINISH FOR A WOODEN LAWN ORNAMENT
34. HOW DO I FINISH THE EDGE OF PLYWOOD?
35. WHAT SIZE DRILL BIT DO I USE FOR A WOOD SCREW?
36. WHY ARE SCREW COUNTERSINKS AT 82 DEGREES?
37. WHERE CAN I FIND FREE PLANS?
38. WHERE DO I FIND PLANS FOR A COFFIN?
39. WHERE CAN I GET INFORMATION ABOUT PARTICLE BOARD AND MDF?
40. WHAT ARE SOME OF THE COMMON WOODWORKING TERMS/ABBREVIATIONS?
41. WHAT IS SNIPE AND HOW DO I ELIMINATE IT?
42. WHAT DOES 4/4 MEAN?
43. CAN I USE THE WOOD FROM PALLETS
44. WHAT IS THE BEST PLACE TO GET HARDWOOD?
45. WHAT IS THE BEST PLACE TO BUY TOOLS?
46. WHAT IS RESAWING?
47. SHOULD I USE ROUND OR SQUARE DOGS IN MY WORKBENCH?
48. WHAT IS A NEANDERTHAL?
49. WHAT IS DEJA NEWS?
50. WHAT IS A TROLL
51. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS, ETC.

1. GENERAL.

1.1 INTRODUCTION.
This is the rec.woodworking anti-FAQ. This anti-FAQ will be posted
annually to rec.woodworking on the first of April. The purpose of
this anti-FAQ is to minimize the amount of chatter about wood working
on rec.woodworking, thereby making the newsgroup more lively and
interesting to read.

Suggestions for improvement should be kept to yourself. To be
perfectly honest, I dont give a flying fig about your opinions. If I
want to know what you think, Ill ask you. Just dont hold your
breath.

1.2 POSTING GUIDELINES.
While this newsgroup has world-wide distribution, the vast majority of
subscribers live in free countries, so they can say whatever they
please, USENET conventions be damned. Dont bother with reading
"news.answers" or "news.announce.newusers," or any of those other
newsgroups designed to explain USENETs "rules."

Oh. And be sure to munge your e-mail address with some clever
NOSPAM" scheme. Placing an invalid e-mail address in the "From" or
Reply-To" lines violates RFCs 822 and 1036, but see the above
paragraph. They cant tell you what to do.

"Me-too" posts are particularly appreciated. An example of a "me-too"
is when you quote 50 lines of text, adding only a line or two of your
own. If your .sig is longer than your comments, then youre probably
doing it right. (Another reason to have a long .sig. Big .sigs are
really, really cool.)

Make sure you post in HTML if your browser allows you to. This makes
your posts much more cool, with bold, colour and other fancy gizmos.
Dont let the fact that some obsolete news browsers make your posts
look like gibberish deter you. Those people should apply a crowbar to
their wallet get themselves a new computer and some up to date
software.

POSTING ALL IN CAPITALS IS GENERALLY APPRECIATED AS IT MAKES
THINGS EASIER TO READ, AND ALSO ENSURES THAT PEOPLE PAY ATTENTION TO
WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY!

Political and religious rants are also welcome at any time. Those
damn commie pinko liberals and neo-nazi conservatives; repulsive
atheists and gullible credulous fundamentalist ; murderous gun-nuts
and gun control freaks; eco-freaks and unconscionable despoilers of
the environment; and knuckle-dragging, club-toting,
need-finishing-school, poetic-waxing, holier-than-thou, in-your-face,
proselytising Neanderthals and power-tooling, noise-making,
wood-munching, dust-sucking, tool-belt-wearing, Normites, deserve to
read your well-reasoned jeremiad so that they will change their minds
and see things your way. Make sure you add some personal insults and
ad hominem attacks in your post.

Got any really cool pictures? Post them to the group, too. The
pictures dont have to be of Adirondack chairs, furniture or other
woodworking projects. In fact, if youve got any pictures of your
wife or girlfriend or cheerleaders in the nude, please post them. If
you dont have any such pictures, just let me know, and Ill sell you
some.

If youre responding to a post by someone whos got a French
name but cant spell it, make sure that you both post in the
group, and send him an email. He will really appreciate it.
While youre at it, you might as well turn-on the HTML, write
in capitals and send him a big attachment with a picture. And
spell his name right. But only do this if you want to stay on
his good side.

Finally, the subject line of your article should have nothing at all
to do with what you actually say. This makes the newsgroup much more
lively and interesting to read.

1.3 SHOULD I POST IF I AM A WOMAN?
The internet and woodworking are male things. They both are
about boys playing with their tools. If you dont believe me,
why do you think there are so many porno sites and newsgroups?
So, girls, butt out!

1.4 WHAT IF IM A GAY WOODWORKER?
We dont like other men playing with our tools either.
Woodworking is for real men. Butt out or youll get bashed.

1.5 WHAT SHOULD I DO WHEN I SEE A POST I DONT LIKE?
First, and most importantly, you should take offence. Obviously the
author is an insensitive bastard who is hell-bent on hurting your
feelings. He is an arrogant asshole who deserves much worse than he
will ever receive. Others may tell you that the guy was "just having
a bad day," or that he "didnt mean anything by it," but dont you
believe it. Remain steadfast and do not waver in your efforts to get
even with the idiot.

Rant and rave, but be sure to do so publicly, by posting to the group
rather than by sending e-mail. Otherwise, how will anyone else know
what a jerk the other guy is? Dont hold back, and dont let up until
you receive satisfaction, or until the thread has reached 100 articles
in length, whichever comes first. Telling someone how stupid they are
is called a "flame." If you read a flame, please respond to it, even
if you have no interest whatsoever in the issue at hand. This makes
the newsgroup much more lively and interesting to read.

If you find yourself in the middle of a flame war and attacked
from all sides with nobody supporting you, just give yourself
some support. Its easy. Just change the email address in your
newsreading software and write a bunch of posts under assumed
names. Nobody will notice and it will give added credibility to
your position.

If you see a spelling mistake, grammatical error, or typo, post a
reply with the offending error underlined with carets (circumflex
accents to those who studied French, the thingie above the 6 key for
the rest of you ignorami). Make sure you question the original
posters intelligence and woodworking ability in your post. If he/she
cant spell, can he/she be trusted with a table saw or a plane without
spilling blood all over the place? This is the only helpful way to
deal with errors in grammar and spelling and educating the original
poster, while avoiding the shedding of blood.

BTW the correct spelling accepted in rec.woodworking for some words
are joiner, planner, hobbiest, radio alarm saw

1.6 WHAT SHOULD I DO ABOUT SPAM?
If you see a piece of SPAM, then by all means quote the entire
message, adding a clever comment of your own. You see, there are lots
of folks who dont like SPAM, and theyve come up with things like
filters and cancelbots in an effort to get rid of it. While a
particular piece of SPAM may show up on your news server, theres a
very good chance that many folks wont get to see it. Posting a
follow-up article to the SPAM will keep it alive, ensuring *everybody*
gets to look at it. This makes the newsgroup much more lively and
interesting to read.

1.7 HOW DO I ADVERTISE MY REALLY NEAT WOODWORKING PRODUCT ON THE NET?
First, think up of all the titles or subject headers that are
even marginally relevant to your product. Then flood the
newsgroup with posts advertising your product under each
header. Also get a bunch of buddies and employees with email,
and sign-up for a whole lot of free email addresses on the net
(hotmail, deja-news, juno, yahoo, aol with a fake credit card
number. etc.). Use the email addresses to send a whole batch of
different testimonials for your product, like how your
grandfather, the old cabinet maker, really loved it and used it
every day since 1939, and thats why your father was conceived.
Try to vary your spelling mistakes in the shills so that it is
not so obvious you wrote them all.

Second buy a spambot (If you have an email address and have
given it to anyone, you should already have had a few offers on
spambots. If not, post here using your real email address and just
wait a couple of days.) Use it to send a private
personalized email to everybody who has ever posted on this or any
other newsgroup. This should also get you a good response. However,
get a new different email address from which to send
these, and yet a different reply address. Otherwise, your
companys regular email address might get cancelled.

If anybody complains, flame them. Whiners dont know their ass
from their elbow anyway. Theyre just a bunch of pinko commie
socialist limp-wristed liberals who are against the free
enterprise system that made America great, or secret agents for the
secret timber cutting cartel who are destroying our
forests. Tellem to go back to Russia. The other people in
the group will really like your ads and will flock to your
product and make you a millionaire in no time. Thats what
free enterprise and internet marketing are all about.

Besides, think of all the trees you save by using the internet rather
than paper ads. Ecologically sound capitalism! Who cares if everybody
else is paying for your advertising? Thats life
buddy!

Finally, privately offer a free lifetime supply of your product to
anybody who has written a FAQ for this group to make sure
they give you good reviews. My email address is
[email protected]. Send me an email and Ill give you my
shipping address.

1.8 ARE HUMOROUS POSTS ALLOWED?
Absolutely. Humour is greatly appreciated in rec.woodworking,
especially satire, sarcasm and irony. Dont worry, people in this
newsgroup always get it when you are satirical or sarcastic.

You could also use a disclaimer (See Disclaimer FAQ) to make sure
people get it, but that sort of spoils it and, anyway, its usually
only a certain individual who pretends not to get the posts from
another certain individual and vice versa and they end up in a highly
entertaining and articulate flame war, with exegesis and logic
chopping that rivals the best that mediaeval scholastics came up with.

However, trolls are generally frowned upon. Taking advantage of
newbies and oldbies innocence is a serious sign of bad form.
Besides, they usually get mercilessly rated.

1.9 THERE ARE TOO MANY POSTS IN THIS GROUP, I HAVE A SUGGESTIONS ON
HOW TO SPLIT IT.
The people on wreck.wood are always open to suggestions
on how to improve the group and we have been looking for ways
to split this group for many years now. As a newbie, you will
bring a different perspective which will be most appreciated.
We will listen to your suggestions and implement them immediately.

1.10 INTERNET RESOURCES
This is the way to get all the URLs youll ever need and avoid testy
answers. Dont bother with search engines.

First create a web page. Make sure it has wood or woodworking on
it. Then get your page to set a cookie every time someone from the
execpc.com domain accesses your page. Then go into the Dukes
computer and steal all the URLs. If you dont know how to do this,
get a hacker to help you. A hacker is any 10-20 year-old male who has
a computer and is not into sports or girls.

You also want to take a look at these other FAQs, which might not be
in the Dukes computer
Disclaimer FAQ
http//www.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=348620661.1

Hand Plane FAQ
http//www.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=350365792.1

Crowbar FAQ
http//www.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=371886222.1

1.11 RESOURCES FOR UK WOODWORKERS?
This newsgroup is about USA woodworking and maybe its northern
sycophantic satellite. You guys went downhill when you joined up with
the other Euro-idiots and went with that inane metric system. Serves
you right you gotta pay double for the tools we get for real cheap in
the good ole USA. Anyways, who wants to get buzzed with a 240 volt
piece of euro junk. Buy American! Besides, what kind of woodworking
can you do without Home Despot? Same goes for Ozzies.

2. SHOULD I BUY A TABLE SAW OR A RADIAL ARM SAW?
Buy a band saw instead. The cut wanders all over the place and
they leave nifty decorative ridge lines. Then youll get the
chance to spend hours and hours hand planing the ridge lines
and straightening and squaring the butchered wood with antique
hand planes. (See Hand Plane FAQ)

Speaking of butchering, the purchase of a bandsaw can more
easily be justified to your spouse because it is absolutely
indispensable in cutting frozen food.

You can also use band saws to cut thick stuff in half, such as
yourself, other people, frozen chickens, dead cats, and Ming
vases, none of which can be handled by a TS or RAS. The most a
TS or RAS can cut is little more than the thickness of a hand.

3. WHAT IS THE BEST TABLE SAW?
No question Sears. Ask Bennett, hell tell you how great
Sears table saws are and about all their special features.
Theyre even better than the Inca, General, Powermatic or Delta
cabinet saws. After all, he wrote the table saw FAQ, so he
should know. Not only do they sort of cut wood and body parts,
but they also can be used to achieve special colouring and dye
effects that would otherwise require hours of painstaking
finishing work. Among the special features discovered by
Bennett, which Sears does not advertise, is the "pulse
temperature alteration" process which turn maple into walnut
and instantly ages cherry to a patina that normally takes
decades to achieve. It also enhances the grain pattern of dull
woods by having the aluminium top add attractive black streaks
to your wood, turning it into zebrawood without the aggravating
unworkability or price of the real thing.

The new Rigid saws at the Borg apparently have the same features.

4. WHICH SAW BLADE SHOULD I BUY?
Any one will do. Dont spend too much. Freud and Forrest are
rip-offs.

5. WHAT IS THE BEST ROUTER?
For the money, buy a Crapsman. It has a nifty light that allows you
to see the Automatic Random Height Adjustment in action. Art. will
tell you how great they are.

6. HOW DO I FIX SLIPPING BITS IN MY SEARS ROUTER?
This is Steve Wallaces method which Ive used successfully.
Obtain a 1/4" eyescrew about 2 inches long. Tighten it in the
chuck very tightly. This is assembly A. Mix one bag of
concrete mix with enough water to obtain a consistency like
peanut butter. Place assembly A in the box that your new PC 690
came in, with the eye screw sticking out of the box. Fill the
box, with assembly A inside, to the rim with the concrete that
you mixed previously. Allow the concrete to set at least 8
hours. Attach several feet of chain to the eyescrew. Tie a 50
foot rope to the chain. To use, tie the loose end of the rope
to your boat. Chuck it over the side when you get to you
favourite fishin area.

7. HOW DO I MAKE A PUSH STICK?
Using a dead cat. There are many different methods, but the consensus
of this newsgroup is that dead cats work best. Only Sherman goes for
dead rabbits.

8. HOW DO I PREVENT MY TOOLS FROM RUSTING?
Buy aluminium tools, you fool! Aluminium table saws dont rust.
Plus aluminium tools are usually cheaper. If youre a rich
yuppie bastard ETS, you could also buy brass or bronze hand-
tools.

9. HOW DO I REMOVE RUST FROM MY TOOLS?
If you havent listened to #8, a belt sander with a coarse grit
(60 or 80) will work just fine. It also is useful for bringing
antique tools back to their pristine original condition. Angle
grinders might work better on curved surfaces.

10. WHICH TYPE OF DADO BLADE SHOULD I BUY, THE DIAL (WOBBLE TYPE) OR
THE STACKING (CHIPPER TYPE)?
Get both! But dont spend too much on them. Avoid Freud, Forrest,
Amana, Jesada. These guys are out to rip you off. You can also use
two or more saw blades with spacers. Who cares if the bottom isnt
flat, nobody sees it anyway.

11. SHOULD I BUY A SEARS BLURFL?
Sears Crapsman are fine tools for beginning and advanced
woodworkers. If you dont believe me ask Art.. He has been
busy researching Craftsman history and found that Craftsman
power tools actually are significantly better than those of 20
years ago. They give your stuff the real imperfect hand-crafted
look. Make sure you also get a Sears belt sander to fix your
mistakes.

Sears also makes incredibly efficient motors. For the same size and
weight and electrical current draw, their motors have much more power
than the competition. Who else but Sears can make a 3 horsepower motor
that only draws 13 Amps at 120 Volts?

12. SHOULD I BUY A TAIWANESE CLONE BLURFL?
Sure, theyre cheaper. You can save a lot of money. But dont spend
the big bucks on Grizzly & Jet. They are overpriced.

13. WHAT SHOULD I DO WHEN THE TRUCKDRIVER REFUSES TO UNLOAD AND SET UP
MY NEW 2000LB MAIL ORDER BLURFL?
Truck Drivers should be required to break their backs because you
ordered from a mail-order company to get a price break and not from
your local dealer. To hell with OSHA and all other stupid government
regulations. Its a real ripoff when you pay $25.00 for shipping 1000
pounds across the continent and then have to pay a whole bunch more to
get it unloaded at your house. Lift gates should be compulsory on all
semi trailers, to force the freight companies to deal fairly with
their hobbyist woodworking customer, who are the largest part of their
business. Do they think everybody has a loading dock in their
workshop? Its obviously not the mail order company since they always
make sure they get the best, fastest, and most expensive shipping
methods and always specify FAS delivery.

14. IS RIDGID (ALSO SPELLED RIGID, RIDGED, ETC.) ANY GOOD?
The best!!! Ask any plumber. The Rigid tools at HD are actually like a
cross between Jet and Delta. The Borg was getting tired of matching
prices with everybody on Delta tools, so they got the producer of the
great Sears stationary tools, Emerson Electric, to develop a new line
for them thats even better and cheaper than Sears, Delta, Powermatic,
Jet, General, Felder, Inca, all put together.

15. WHAT SHOULD I DO IF HD WONT MATCH A PRICE?
The Borg has a very clear policy of matching competitors prices and
taking 10% off. It is very important for all of us to make sure that
Home Despot follows its policy. How else are we going to help the
Borg eliminate all its competitors? A HD monopoly would make life
much easier for us woodworkers. It would eliminate the agonizing
choices about what to buy and who to buy from we have to make every
time we need a tool or some wood. We would save a lot of time wasted
shopping around when we could be working in the shop. It would also
end up saving a lot of bandwidth on rec.norm and avert the need to
split the group. So if youre having a problem in any store, threaten
to call Linda or Joan or Lisa at the HD headquaters (actually, any
female name will work).

16. SHOULD I GET A DUST COLLECTOR?
I am one. You should see my extremely valuable collection of
dust. It is nicely layered on my workshop floor and you can
study the geology of my woodworking by carefully digging into
it and examining the different layers. Sears tools also work
well as dust collectors. Oh, you mean those big noisy suckers?
Heres what Paul Jordan had to say about them.

They can be very helpful when hooked to machines that might create
dust. The bag will blow off at least once, most assuredly just after
you clean the rags from that last coat of finish on that critical
project that *used* to be a safe distance away;

They are better than dust creators, although some can be switched into
this mode with one careless move (this is a scream to watch, if it
happens to someone else);

Putting the strap around the bag will make you realize Lucy and Ethel
were not such klutzes after all;

Your bags will reach full capacity *just* before you plane that last 8
footer, meaning you will surely have to dump sawdust on the floor just
to get the damnbagoff. Then you get to re-collect the dust youve
already collected once, making it a collected dust collector;

They operate on very similar principles to a James Bond martini -
shaken, not stirred;

After purchasing one you will realize where the McDonnell Douglas
DC-10 engines go when they fail QC audit;

When you suck up a 1" piece of ash hurtling towards the fan, your
neighbours will instantly know whether you are a combat veteran and
whether you feel there is any decent cover in their front yard;

They do not mix well with small, furry, free-to-roam pets;

While running, they are particularly good at making sure any intrusion
into your shop will scare the bejeezus out of you as you catch the
perpetrator wildly waving their arms, or god forbid touching you, to
get your attention.

17. HOW DO I WIRE MY SHOP?
As my friend Doug, the journeyman cabinetmaker, says theres only
four things you gotta know about being an electrician

S--- flows downhill,
Payday is on Friday,
It may be s--- to you but its bread and butter to them, and
Every asshole is a potential customer.

Oops! That was about plumbers. Forget it.

18. SHOULD I USE A HOT MELT GLUE GUN FOR MY NEXT PROJECT?
Sure. Hot melt is great, cause you can fix your mistakes easily.

19. WHERE CAN I GET PLANS FOR THE NEW YANKEE WORKSHOP PROJECTS?
You dont need plans. Bring your TV into the workshop and just follow
Norm as he is doing the work. You dont need plans. If you have any
clue about woodworking, you should have no problem working as fast as
he does.

20. WHAT BOOKS SHOULD I PURCHASE TO LEARN ABOUT VARIOUS ASPECTS OF
WOODWORKING?
Watch the NYW on TV. With Norm, you dont need any steenking books.
Or get them cheap at the LEE-BRARY.

21. WHAT IS THE BEST WOODWORKING MAGAZINE?
See #18.

22. HOW DO I CUT DOVETAILS
Dont bother. Nails and glue are just as good, even just
nails. Nobody sees them, and people shouldnt be looking into
your drawers. Anyway, people who look into your drawers arent
looking for dovetails. For the price of a good dovetail jig,
you can get yourself a compressor and a nailer, just like
Norms, which have many more uses than just making drawer
joints. If youre thinking of cutting them by hand, forget it.
Think of all the money youll spend on wasted wood in the four
or five years itll take you to learn. Like I said, get a
compressor and a nailer.

Besides just try using a dovetail jig or a dovetail saw to nail a
burglar to the floor.

23. I THINK NORM COULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING IN A BETTER WAY ...
NORM RULES!! Norm bashing is not countenanced in this
newsgroup. Norm is perfect and he has the best workshop with
all the best tools. He is the greatest woodworker in the whole
wide world and in all of history. Norm does not make mistakes
and does the finest woodworking that is humanly possible. Norm
always does everything in the best possible way. He is better
than Tage Frid, Frank Klausz, James Krenov, Sam Maloof, Ian
Kirby and all those other phoneys and rip-off artists who claim
they can plane a bench-top to within 1/1000 of an inch, all put
together. If enough people built things the way Norm does and
bought the same tools he has, the world would be a much better
place. Nailers and bisquick joiners make the best joints for
attaching wood and cross grain construction is perfect if you
use enough nails and biscuits. Anybody who thinks different or
who dares criticize Norm is just jealous. If you hate him so
much, why do you keep watching his show?

If you dont believe me, you will get flamed and get tons of
hate email for your blasphemy. You will be tarred, feathered
and run out of town on a rail. Just ask Tom Perigrin. Norm is
Jewish and a carpenter and his mother was a virgin. Nuff
said!

24. WHY IS BOB VILA SUCH A JERK?
The Bobster is not a jerk. Its not his fault he knows everything and
other people dont. Evidence of this is that he was responsible for
bringing Norm to PBS. The fact that he shills the wonderful Sears tool
is even more evidence of his great insight.

25. WHAT IS A BOARD FOOT?
It is important to know what a board foot is so that you dont look
like a dork at the lumberyard. Its just a board thats a foot long.
Some people give you complicated formulas such as take the length of
the board in inches, multiply by 12 and divide by 144. If you do the
arithmetic, youll realize they only do this to mystify newbies.

26. WHAT IS THE CORRECT WAY TO HANDLE THE GLUE SQUEEZE OUT PROBLEM?
Dont use so much glue. If youve got squeeze-out, its because you
dont know what youre doing. Try hot melt instead.

27. HOW DO I REMOVE PAINT ON AN ANTIQUE?
Sandblasting works best and gives you that antique old barn look.
Belt sanders work almost as well.

28. HOW DO I GET RID OF CAT URINE STAINS?
Make a pushstick. See #7.

29. HOW DO I MAKE A TACK CLOTH?
Take a crowbar and force the wallet out of your pocket. Once
youve successfully completed that task, use the crowbar to
extract a one dollar bill. Hand bill to clerk at hardware
store. Wait for change unless youre a Rock-a-fella. See
Crowbar FAQ.

If the crowbar trick does not work, get a clean, lint-free rag
and soak it in linseed oil. Wring it and bunch it up. Pile
some plane shavings around the rag to absorb the excess oil.
Then use the fire insurance money to buy tack rags at the hardware
store.

30. HOW DO I FINISH TOYS?
Your best bet is to use a tropical hardwood and do not finish it at
all. Old lead paint also works because of its durability. If it has
lasted that many years on walls, it will be child resistant.

31. WHAT IS THE BEST FINISH FOR A CUTTING BOARD?
Lead paint. Adds a nice salty flavour to the food.

32. HOW DO I FINISH CHERRY?
Stain and poly. Paint also works well in hiding the ugly
grain. The stuff will turn dark anyway, so no point wasting
much time on the finish. Besides, you dont want anybody
coming on your furniture, do you?

33. WHAT IS THE BEST FINISH FOR A WOODEN LAWN ORNAMENT
Lighter fluid and a match. Gasoline will also work.

34. HOW DO I FINISH THE EDGE OF PLYWOOD?
Belt sand it and paint it, same as anything else.

35. WHAT SIZE DRILL BIT DO I USE FOR A WOOD SCREW?
Real men screw in their screws without drilling. Drillings a waste
of time. Better yet, use nails. Even better, use an air nailer.

36. WHY ARE SCREW COUNTERSINKS AT 82 DEGREES?
This was contributed by Frank Shapiro who is a Canadian engineer from
Toronto, so he should know everything.
The reason for this is quite neat, screws are 82 degrees, because they
were meant to replace the nail. The old square nails once used as
well were not 90 degrees but were indeed on average 82 degrees, and
the manufacturer of screws wanted to fill the same hole and as such
maintained the angle. Now why were nails 82 well that comes from how
they were made, they were cut pieces of metal cut with a chisel and
placed in an anvil (for making nails) and the top was hammered to give
us the flat nail, and mushroom head. The Anvil had an 82 degree
impression for this, although not all nails followed this convention,
just the majority. Now why did the anvil have that angle, this
goes back to the ancient Greeks, who when making chariots and
eventually banding the wheels, were avid smokers, at that time, there
were no ashtrays, so the original blacksmiths in those days drilled
their anvil and placed an angle on to it to hold there cigarette. In
shops where many blacksmiths worked many holes had to be drilled with
and angle to keep the cigarette tilted, so they made a neat little
drill bit which we call a counter sink. Eventually they the tool
wore with time and the hole got smaller. In time the hole no longer
held a cigarette, and was then used to drill anvils for making nails.
So there you have it, the screw angle is based on the angle required
to hold a cigarette.

37. WHERE CAN I FIND FREE PLANS?
Take that crowbar to your wallet, you cheapskate. See Crowbar FAQ.

38. WHERE DO I FIND PLANS FOR A COFFIN?
Here is the invaluable advice provided by the ever helpful
wreck.wood regulars. (Courtesy of Deja News)
Ted Scott wrote
> Gary T. wrote
>> Patrick Olguin wrote
>>> Tom Perigrin wrote
>>>> Jeff Mayhew wrote
>>>>> Christine Marie Sorensen wrote

>>>>>>Im looking for a book or set of plans to build a wood
>>>>>>coffin. Can anyone help out?

>>>>> Ill see what I can dig up....

>>>> That joke was a grave offense to my ears.

>>> Could we please let this thread die and be buried?

>> Heres another one for the kill file

>A resurrected thread.

39. WHERE CAN I GET INFORMATION ABOUT PARTICLE BOARD AND MDF?
One word - Home Despot. The helpful staff at Home Depot know
everything there is to know about wood and woodworking. They are all
qualified tradespeople who took a massive pay cut just so they could
be helpful to rank amateurs.

40. WHAT ARE SOME OF THE COMMON WOODWORKING TERMS/ABBREVIATIONS?
You best bet is to watch old BBC sitcoms where they use the same
acronyms as this group.

41. WHAT IS SNIPE AND HOW DO I ELIMINATE IT?
Snipe is a bird living in Florida among the ash trees. Very hard to
find so it must be an endangered species. Why would you want to
eliminate them? Dont you have any respect for wildlife? Dr. Charles
and Doug will lecture you for desecrating the environment.

42. WHAT DOES 4/4 MEAN?
Pronounced four slash four. Refers to how many times the wood has
been slashed. If its 5/4, the wood was slashed 4 times out of five
attempts. Make sure you pronounce it correctly, otherwise youll look
like a complete dork at the lumberyard.

43. CAN I USE THE WOOD FROM PALLETS
Used pallets are a very easy way of getting free good hardwood.
You can save a lot of money by disassembling pallets. Pallets
need to be strong so they are made of the best quality clear,
dry and straight-grained hardwood, even better than what you
can get at the Borg. You might even get some expensive
tropical hardwoods on pallets from Southeast Asia or Japan.
Plus reusing pallets saves trees to hug for the eco-freaks
among us.

You should have no problem taking the pallets apart, since most
pallet manufacturers have thoughtfully made them easy to
disassemble. Crowbars to your wallet or tactical nuclear
weapons work best. (See Crowbar FAQ)

Dont worry about nails. Nails are made from soft steel. The
steel in your planer and jointer are harder than nails, and so
is the carbide on your blades. (So is the steel in any decent
hand plane, for the Neander types.)

44. WHAT IS THE BEST PLACE TO GET HARDWOOD?
If youre too lazy to take pallets apart go to Northstar Lumber.

45. WHAT IS THE BEST PLACE TO BUY TOOLS?
Trendlines or Harbor Freight. The other places are a rip-off.

46. WHAT IS RESAWING?
To saw again, as in re-saw, like when you cut something too short.
Jees, newbies ask dumb questions.

47. SHOULD I USE ROUND OR SQUARE DOGS IN MY WORKBENCH?
Apparently there is a secret reason to use round (or was it square?).
As the other Randy said, octagonal is best for Canadians, as it is a
compromise, eh?

48. WHAT IS A NEANDERTHAL?
Someone so useless as to be incapable of using power tools. They
usually end up chopping up their sawhorses and workmates with a skil
saw, decide the fault is with the skil saw and pretend to make a
virtue of a necessity. Use antique hand planes on unsuitable striped
tropical hardwoods when a belt sander would do a much better job in no
time at all. See Hand Plane FAQ

Disclaimer This is not an attack on anyone who has ever posted in
this newsgroup, whether they have cut up workmates with a skil saw or
not. It is also not meant to imply any thing negative about Skils or
Black & Deckers fine products, or people who make a virtue of a
necessity. The word skil saw was used generically, like kleenex, and
could refer to any portable circular saw, including those sold by
Sears. Notice that the word Zebrawood was not used, so it is not
meant to refer to any particular individual, but rather generally to
people who use hand planes on unsuitable wood. See Disclaimer FAQ.

49. WHAT IS DEJA NEWS?
Dont bother. If it wasnt for people asking and answering the same
stupid questions all the time, this newsgroup would die.

50. WHAT IS A TROLL
This.

51. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS, ETC.
I didnt ask for help writing this, and nobody did a damn thing to
assist me in anyway whatsoever. I stole the idea and some of the text
from Mark Lathem who wrote the anti-FAQ for alt.smokers.pipes. I also
stole a lot of ideas from other people in wreck.wood. If it was your
idea of a joke I stole, too bad, its mine now. Finders keepers! Of
course, 10 minutes after this thing hits wreck.wood Ill be flooded
with "helpful suggestions." Thanks for nothing, guys. I know a
couple of them are lame, but I dont care.

Original ignored copyright notice
Copyright 1998 by Mark Lathem, all rights reserved. You cant copy
this thing for any reason. Its mine, mine, mine, mine, mine.
--Mark Lathem - [email protected].

The original alt.smokers.pipes anti-FAQ is available at
http//www.pipes.org/~pipes/anti_asp_FAQ.html

Real copyright
Copyright 1998 by Luigi Zanasi all rights reserved. You cant copy
this thing for any reason. Its now mine, mine, mine, mine, mine. I
stole it fair & square. Neener neener!

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Larry Jaques