OT Humor: The Darwin Awards have evolved a winner

The Darwin Awards are an annual honor given to the person who did the
gene pool the biggest service by killing himself or herself in the most
extraordinarily stupid way.

Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which
toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out
of it. And the nominees this year, in reverse order, are:

7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with
milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited
into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned
his house down, killing both him and his sister.

6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died
of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2" tall and
weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and
white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared he was trying to
create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas
mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in
its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a
hollow tube approximately 30" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other
end was, for reasons unknown, inserted into his rectum and was the cause
of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the
circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.

5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
when another plane approached. It appears they decided to moon the
occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and
crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants
around their ankles.

4. A 22-year-old man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps
to bungee jump off a 70 foot high railroad trestle. Fairfax County
police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these
straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end
to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped, and hit the pavement.
Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia
was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord he
assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and
ground.", Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was
"major trauma."

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems he and a
friend were playing a game of catch using the rattlesnake as a ball. The
friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.

2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell
of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building,
extinguishing all potential sources of ignition: lights, power, etc.
After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas
company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had
difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the
lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the
technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that
resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon his operation of the lighter-like
object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to
three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter
was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of
causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.


AND THE WINNER.....(ouch....)


1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez
tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course.
Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez
managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his balls in the machine.
Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the
crank on the machine with Sanchez's balls in place, thus wedging them
solidly in the mechanism.

Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and
tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for him, the height of the ball
washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are
in his normal stance, and his balls were the weakest link.

Sanchez's balls ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was
plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the
other was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing
of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside.

To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had
just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself.

Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining
threesome was asked to leave the course.

Note: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't
die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act
of stupidity, we allowed it.