Puppies for Powertools... Revisited (long)

Many of you may remember me posting a while back about a deal that
my wife and I had struck. Now my wife, who must be obeyed, is a
thoughtful and caring woman with many fine traits. But, by far, her
most spectacular skill is her ability to concoct bizarre, yet strangely
elegant compromises in an attempt to get what she wants. And if she
can make her husband happy in the process, all the better.
Now my wife and I almost never disagree. We're a very good
match and generally get along very well. But one thing that we
disagree on is the idea that we need a dog. My wife likes dogs very
much. I, in contrast, prefer to play with other people's dogs, then
go home to an animal-free house. And so she set a goal for herself to
convince me to agree to a dog.
One night, over dinner, she began talk about how nice it would be
to have a dog. I mentioned how the steaks we were eating were so much
tastier than dog. And made several other attempts, through sarcasm, to
avoid thinking about having a creature in my house that produces drool,
hair, and other unpleasant dog by-products. But she was undeterred.
Then she casually mentioned that there may be a way for me to spend
several thousand dollars on power tools. This, of course, got my
attention. Not because I was interested in the idea of spending
several thousand dollars on tools, though I was, but because I wanted
to hear the details of the whopper that I knew she was about to lay
upon me.
The plan was supposed to go like this. We would get not one, but two
drooling, shedding, time and resource consumers. I would then,
somehow, bring myself to allow them to reproduce. Then we could sell
the puppies, allowing me to spend the profits on power tools. She gets
her dog(s). I get money to spend on big iron. She assured me that the
ideal breed to breed (so to speak) was the Labrador Retriever, a big
dog that typically has a lot of expensive puppies, and is very good
with children. I agreed to this scheme, using dreams of 12" jointers
to help me forget about the chaos of a dozen dogs running around. With
an average of 10 puppies at about $300 a piece, I was looking at a tool
budget of about $3000, or so she claimed.
The two puppies arrived within seconds. They were adorable, which
I was sure would only last for a few days. As the puppies grew, they
played harder and harder. They would chase each other around the back
of the house knocking each other over. We worried about them, but they
were both well over 60 pounds by now. And we figured they could handle
it. Then we noticed that the boy had a problem. He wasn't using his
back right leg. The girl's first heat was approaching soon, and I
began to wonder whether or not the boy dog could perform his sole
purpose while standing on one leg. My wife took him to the vet. As it
turns out, dogs can damage their ACL just like basketball players. The
good news is that it's fixable. The bad news is that it costs $1200.
I mentioned to my wife that $1200 would buy a gun, a bullet, and a new
puppy with plenty of money left over. I think she still hasn't
forgiven me for suggesting that. For some reason the wife and kids
like this dog. The vet assured me that dogs could not have sex while
standing on one leg. $3000 - $1200 = $2800.
A couple months later, the dog was still 25% bald, but walking on
the bad leg. The girl dog went into heat. So we put them together in
a large kennel hoping that nature would take it's course. The girl
dog would constantly aim her rear end at the boy dog, who was mystified
as to what to do about it. It was at this point that my wife decided
that I should get in there and show the boy dog how to do it. Now
while most of my friends and family consider me an open-minded and
adventurous person, I draw the line at inter-species relationships. I
swore that I would never go into a kennel and demonstrate the proper
canine copulation technique, regardless of whether my wife believes
that I'm good at it.
So I went into the kennel. Now we've all heard about how dogs
are pack animals, and how they view the family as one big pack. And
all the dog books say that as a dog owner, you have to establish
yourself as the pack leader. Now I'm no expert on canine sociology.
But as it turns out, when a girl dog is in heat, the boy dogs always
defer to the alpha male, in effect, giving him first-dibs.
Unfortunately, in my family, I hold that title. Whenever I tried to
approach the two dogs to... help them out..., the boy dog would
immediately hop off and give me a clear shot at the rear end of this
dainty vixen. Needless to say, I was not interested. So instead, I
ran around the kennel trying to get this boy dog to get back to work.
Instead, he simply ran away from me slinking from corner to corner in
an attempt to be submissive. While this was happening, the girl dog
was now aiming at me. My wife and daughters were laughing hysterically
at his point. I gave up, gathering what was left of my dignity, and
left the kennel. The boy dog got back on the job, although was still
completely inept. On my way out of the basement in utter disgust, I
suggested that perhaps my wife should comb the internet for some
doggie-porn, strictly for use as educational material. For the dogs,
not me.
A few days later, she was out of heat. As far as we could tell,
the boy dog had been unable to perform his sole purpose. I asked my
wife when the next heat would be. She said six months. It became
obvious at this point that the girl dog was going to work out nicely as
a pet. She was easily house broken, didn't chew on things. And
apart from a couple stolen pizzas, was fairly trustworthy. She did
shed. But she didn't drool. The boy dog on the other hand was on
borrowed time. He was constantly at the vet for odd allergies or
infected ears. He scratched his ears enough to wear all the hair off
of them. You couldn't pet him without getting chewed on. He
destroyed a new object every day. And had the odd habit of carrying
things into the front yard when let out to go to the bathroom. He
wouldn't actually go to the bathroom outside. He would just go out,
drop the object, then come back in and find a conveniently unoccupied
room to relieve himself. The gun/bullet/new puppy option was looking
very attractive.
Six months later, she went into heat again. And this time, he
functioned correctly. The girl dog was obviously pregnant. I asked my
wife if we could get rid of the boy dog yet. She said no, enticing me
with the thought of a second or third litter of puppies to further
augment the wood shop. She took the girl dog to the vet to get checked
out, and came back with an x-ray. I asked how much that costs. $300.
$2800 - $300 = $2500. It was so cute, you could see all the little
puppy spines. All seven of them. 7 x $300 = $2100 - $1200 for surgery
= $900 - $300 for the x-ray = $600 now in the tool budget.
She went into labor on a Saturday afternoon. Did you know that dogs
can be in labor for 24 hours? I know this because I was woken up every
couple hours all night whenever another puppy was about to pop out.
You see, my wife was too squeamish to handle the process. So I was
recruited to cut the cord and tie it off with dental floss. At one
point, I passed out at 5am after getting out of bed too fast. My wife
freaked out and dialed 911. I woke up in time to make it downstairs
before the paramedics and police arrived. We were both covered in
blood and mystery dog goop. Honestly officer, I'm fine. There's
nothing wrong here.
The following day, my wife called her mother who immediately
claimed three of the puppies. $600 - (3 x $300) = -$300. We were
able to sell the other four. When my mother in law came to get them,
she also took the boy dog with her to Florida. Her neighbor wanted
another lab and was happy to have him. As it turned out, the move to
Florida cleared up all his allergies and ear infections. He seems
happy to be there. I'm happy he's no longer in my house. After
the last few dogs left, my wife promptly had the girl dog fixed. And I
was left scratching my head wondering what had happened. I complained
about the entire situation. And as a consolation prize, received a new
80 hour tivo box which I use to this day to enjoy Norm, Roy, and David.
The girl dog is a fine shop dog. And I've been promised a shop full
of big iron with some money we'll be receiving shortly. So I guess
it all worked out in the end. And next time she has a bizarre idea,
maybe I'll be more willing to listen. Or maybe not.

brian

bb

"brianlanning"