OT Funny as Hell

G'day all,
Found this on another group. Should give you a good laugh.
Regards
John


My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
> something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I
> have outdone myself once again.
> No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in
> the near future.
> Here goes.
>
> Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled
> my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my fancy is easily tickled.) I
> bought something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our
> anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet
> girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer
> gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this
> product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs
> designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low
> amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are
> supposed
> to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
> but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab
> the
> prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it
> will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching,
> whimpering,
> pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action,
> then you're truly missing out--way too cool!
>
> Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
> two
> triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
> I
> was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no
> stinkin' directions) I found much to my chagrin that this particular
> model would not create an arc between the prongs. How disappointing!
> I
> do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button,
> however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue
> arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was
> so looking forward to. Awesome!!!
> Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yippee!!! I'm
> easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to
> my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
>
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
> couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.
> There I sat in my recliner, my cat looking on intently (trusting little
> soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the cat) and
> thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and
> blood
> target. I must admit I thought about zapping kitty for a fraction of a
> second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all.
> But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
> against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
> advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable
> to me at the time. So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
> with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
> directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a
> one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second
> burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control;
> a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
> ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this
> little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4" in
> circumference,
> pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries)
> thinking to myself, no friggin' way! Friggin' way--trust me! but I'm
> getting ahead of myself.
>
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
> I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head cocked to one
> side as to say, "don't do it buddy", reasoning that a one-second burst
> from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound,
> rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I
> decided to give myself one-second burst just for the heck of it.
> (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always
> twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the
> fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)
> I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
> **************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura
> ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then
> body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall
> waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles
> nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body
> in the oddest position. Kitty was standing over me making meowing
> sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking
> to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
>
> (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one
> note
> of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
> yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is
> dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
> Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4 deep in
> your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so
> later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I
> collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
> landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
> How
> did they get there???
> My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching.
> My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip
> weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two.
> By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
> offering a reward.