A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on
the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars
in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served
a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to
belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm
going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent,
bully bears in bars in Billings"
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the
woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent,
bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
........ You're gonna love this .........
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate ...
Ken went into a pet store, looking for a talking parrot.
"I have two parrots," said the pet store owner, "one that talks for $300 and
one that doesn't for $50."
"Why doesn't the $50 bird talk?" asked Ken.
"Well," responded the owner, "the $50 parrot has a rare deformity of his
beak that prevents him from talking.
There is just a little extra on his beak that would have to be shaved off,
but it is a delicate operation and if too much is removed, the bird will
die."
"I'm a Lockheed Precision Machinist," responded Ken, "and can mill down to
0.001 inch tolerances.
I'll take the $50 bird."
"No," responded the owner, "it not worth the risk to the bird."
"But I'm a Lockheed Precision Machinist," insisted Ken, thrusting $50 into
the pet shop owner's hand.
After some argument, the pet shop owner finally relented, and Ken left with
the $50 parrot.
The next day Ken returned to the store and tersely announced, "I'll take the
$300 parrot."
"What?" exclaimed the pet shop owner,
"You killed the other bird, didn't you!
You took too much off his beak and he died."
"No, that's not what happened," responded Ken.
"I'm a Lockheed Precision Machinist, and the required tolerances were no
problem for me."
"If you didn't shave too much off his beak, then what happened?" asked the
pet shop owner.
"Well," Ken hesitated, "I crushed his head in the vice."
Lew
DIYGUY wrote:
> A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on
> the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
>
> The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars
> in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served
> a beer.
>
> The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to
> belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
>
> The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm
> going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
>
> The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent,
> bully bears in bars in Billings"
>
> The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the
> woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
>
> The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent,
> bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
>
> The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
>
> ........ You're gonna love this .........
>
> The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate ...
<G> hehe
DIYGUY wrote:
> A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on
> the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me a
....................................... beer."
The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?"
The bear replies, "I don't know but my dad had them too."
--
Jack Novak
Buffalo, NY - USA
(Remove "SPAM" from email address to reply)
A variant on an oldie but goodie:
A guy is forced to live in a remote Eskimo village but is having trouble
interacting with the villagers. Finally he corners one of them and asks
why they wont talk to him.
The villager responds that he has not been initiated as a man. He asks
what do I have to do?
The villager says, first you have to drink 2 bottles of Russian Vodka,
then you have to go into a cave and kill a polar bear with your bare
hands, then to seal your induction into manhood you have to make love
for 10 hours straight with one of our women.
The man says he will do it. That night theres a big party to initiate
the stranger. Everyone sits around the fire and they pass him a bottle
of Vodka. He downs about half without much trouble, bet the second half
is much more difficult. Finally he finishes it, and they pass him
another. He finally manages to finish off the second bottle and the
crowd claps and sings. Then he tried to get up but fell over drunk.
The Chief picks him up and points him in the direction of the polar bear
cave. He staggers over and climbs in. Suddenly theres a huge commotion
from within the cave. Bears growling and him screaming and wailing in
pain. Half an hour later he stumbles out of the cave, torn to shreds,
bloodied, and half dead. He turns to the crowd and drunkenly says,
Okeee now wheres the woman I gotta kill?
mahalo,
jo4hn
DIYGUY wrote:
> A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on
> the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
>
> The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars
> in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served
> a beer.
>
> The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to
> belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
>
> The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm
> going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
>
> The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent,
> bully bears in bars in Billings"
>
> The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the
> woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
>
> The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent,
> bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
>
> The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
>
> ........ You're gonna love this .........
>
> The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate ...
Boooooooooo!!!!
j4
Keep it comin'. I do like my boooooooze.
A young man named Lew received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with
profanity.
Lew tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying
only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to
"clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, Lew was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. Lew shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and
even ruder.
Lew, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the
freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly
there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, Lew quickly opened the door to the
freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Lew's outstretched arms and said "I
believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
Lew was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in
his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?" --
On Tue, 23 Nov 2004 06:05:38 GMT, "Lew Hodgett"
<[email protected]> calmly ranted:
>A young man named Lew received a parrot as a gift.
--snip--
>As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in
>his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?" --
Bloody 'ell. I knew I should have gone to the bathroom before
reading that joke. ROTFLSHIAPMP!
-- Friends Don't Let Friends Eat Turkey and Drive --
That's a good one Jack...
Nova wrote:
> DIYGUY wrote:
>
>
>>A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on
>>the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
>
>
> A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me a
> ....................................... beer."
> The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?"
> The bear replies, "I don't know but my dad had them too."
>
> --
> Jack Novak
> Buffalo, NY - USA
> (Remove "SPAM" from email address to reply)
>
>
On Mon, 22 Nov 2004 17:53:10 -0500, DIYGUY <[email protected]>
wrote:
>A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on
>the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
He wasn't a hockey playing bear who drinks Molson Canadian that chicks
dig?
Barry