TOOLS

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the knuckles and
flings
your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
painted
part that was set aside to dry.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,
"Ouch.."

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they
can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your
hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease
inside the
wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, the y are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or
1/2"
socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after
you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle
firmly
under the bumper.
..
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood and metal splinters Made from a
magical
material that turns invisible when you need it, and re-appears when
you don't.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another
hydraulic
floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog poop off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any
known
drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you absolutely have to have.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on
everything
you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2" x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that
inexplicably has
an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called
a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the Sunshine Vitamin,"
which
is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health
benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at
about
the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say,
the
first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More
often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oilcans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be
used, as
the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power
plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by
hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that
grips rusty bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at
Chevrolet,
and neatly rounds off their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the expensive metal surrounding that
clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a .50-cent part. Also
used
to bend or break expensive, irreplaceable,
collector car parts.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used
as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far
from
the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
contents
such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
parts.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while
yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool
that you
will need !