If you value your keyboard, DON'T read this :)

A veteran of many Texas chili cookoffs, I laughed so hard I almost fell
out of my chair. I have SEEN Judge #3 many times as a guest judge of
local celebrities, local news anchors, etc. at these events.

Thanks for the laugh.

Robert

Awesumly funny!!! I laughed till I cried.


John B wrote:
> I've had a touch of the flue over the past few days, so reading this
> damned near killed me. My ribs are going to be bruised for weeks.
> Enjoy
> John
>
>
> Chilli Cook Off
> If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope
> for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this
> slowly.
>
> If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third
> judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know
> how true this is. They actually have a Chilli Cook Off about the time
> Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at
> the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chilli Taster
> named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
>
>
> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chilli
> cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
> happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
> to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
> other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that
> spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
> tasting, so I accepted."
> Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
>
> *****************************************************
>
> CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
>
>
> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
> Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
> remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
> flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
> *****************************************************
>
>
> CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
>
> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
> Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
> I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
> wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
> when they saw the look on my face.
>
> *****************************************************
>
> CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
>
>
> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick.
> Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
> like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
> me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
> backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from
> all of the beer.
>
> *****************************************************
>
> CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
>
>
> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
> other mild foods not much of a chilli.
> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
> to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid,
> was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting
> to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an
> aphrodisiac?
>
> *****************************************************
>
> CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
>
> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
> adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
> Judge # 2 -- Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
> admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
> can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
> paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
> chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
> pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
> lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
> screaming. Screw those rednecks.
>
> *****************************************************
>
> CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
>
> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of
> spices and peppers.
> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
> garlic. Superb.
> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
> sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
> eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
> that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a
> snow cone.
>
> *****************************************************
>
> CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
>
> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
> chilli peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
> worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
> cursing uncontrollably.
> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
> wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
> like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which
> slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
> shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
> decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
> any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
> 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>
> *****************************************************
>
> CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
>
> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too
> bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild
> nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
> passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself.
> Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have
> reacted to really hot chilli?
> Judge # 3 - No Report

Great post!!! My neighbors in cubeville are wondering if I drank my
lunch today because of my laughing and snickering....

Mark & Juanita wrote:

> My favorite Texas saying, "If it's got beans in it, it ain't chili"
>
> Said by someone after my own heart.

AMEN.

Robert

My take is that if it has tomatoes in it, it ain't chili. The don't
belong in a good bowl of "Red". (Yeah, I'm from Texas)

On Thu, 06 Apr 2006 23:53:48 GMT, "Leon" <[email protected]>
wrote:

>
><[email protected]> wrote in message
>news:[email protected]...
>>A veteran of many Texas chili cookoffs, I laughed so hard I almost fell
>> out of my chair. I have SEEN Judge #3 many times as a guest judge of
>> local celebrities, local news anchors, etc. at these events.
>>
>> Thanks for the laugh.
>>
>> Robert
>
>
>Yeah! That's Texas Chili. My wife from up north made chili once. I
>thought it was hot dog relish. Chili IS NOT GREEN.
>

My favorite Texas saying, "If it's got beans in it, it ain't chili"

Said by someone after my own heart.



+--------------------------------------------------------------------------------+

If you're gonna be dumb, you better be tough

+--------------------------------------------------------------------------------+

John B <[email protected]> wrote:

> I've had a touch of the flue over the past few days, so reading this
> damned near killed me. My ribs are going to be bruised for weeks.
> Enjoy
> John
>

Home alone. Laughed so hard I swallowed a mint and had to beg the dog to do
the heimlich maneuver.

You might try some chili for that flu! Clean out your sinuses.

"Leon" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
>
> "James "Cubby" Culbertson" <[email protected]> wrote in message
> news:[email protected]...
>>
>> "Leon" <[email protected]> wrote in message
>> news:[email protected]...
>>> Yeah! That's Texas Chili. My wife from up north made chili once. I
>>> thought it was hot dog relish. Chili IS NOT GREEN.
>>>
>>
>> From these parts, NM, it's Chile which most definitely is the green
>> variety and there most definitely are no beans in Chile!
>> Cheers,
>
>
> Yeah we put that on hot dogs in Texas. :~(
>

I surely doubt you put what we call Chile on hot dogs. I suppose the
straight green chile would work but this stuff is more like a stew and would
soak your buns! :)

> I've had a touch of the flue over the past few days, so reading this
> damned near killed me. My ribs are going to be bruised for weeks.
> Enjoy
> John
>
>
[snip]
THAT was funny stuff, thanks! I hope you submit it to Jay Leno for
"The Tonight Show". If you don't, I should. And, hope you get to
feel better too! It's dreadful having a flu.

--
Alex - "newbie_neander" woodworker
cravdraa_at-yahoo_dot-com
not my site: http://www.e-sword.net/

Lobby Dosser wrote:
> John B <[email protected]> wrote:
>
>
>>I've had a touch of the flue over the past few days, so reading this
>>damned near killed me. My ribs are going to be bruised for weeks.
>>Enjoy
>>John
>>
>
>
> Home alone. Laughed so hard I swallowed a mint and had to beg the dog to do
> the heimlich maneuver.
>
> You might try some chili for that flu! Clean out your sinuses.

Don't apply it with a neti pot.

er
--
email not valid

Lobby Dosser <[email protected]> wrote in
news:AagZf.15071$e11.11651@trnddc02:

> John B <[email protected]> wrote:
>
>> I've had a touch of the flue over the past few days, so reading this
>> damned near killed me. My ribs are going to be bruised for weeks.
>> Enjoy
>> John
>>
>
> Home alone. Laughed so hard I swallowed a mint and had to beg the dog to
> do the heimlich maneuver.
>
> You might try some chili for that flu! Clean out your sinuses.

Mildly humorous. It was fairly funny (B-) the first time I read it some 5+
years ago but has since lost much of it's lustre. Rating? D.

Laughed so hard I almost peed in my pants. This one is a keeper. Larry
"John B" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
> I've had a touch of the flue over the past few days, so reading this
> damned near killed me. My ribs are going to be bruised for weeks.
> Enjoy
> John
>
>
> Chilli Cook Off
> If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for
> you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
>
> If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third
> judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know
> how true this is. They actually have a Chilli Cook Off about the time
> Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at
> the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chilli Taster
> named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
>
>
> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chilli
> cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
> happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
> to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
> other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that
> spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
> tasting, so I accepted."
> Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
>
> *****************************************************
>
> CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
>
>
> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
> Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
> remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
> out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
> *****************************************************
>
>
> CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
>
> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
> Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
> supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
> give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
> the look on my face.
>
> *****************************************************
>
> CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
>
>
> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick.
> Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
> like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
> more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone
> is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the
> beer.
>
> *****************************************************
>
> CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
>
>
> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
> other mild foods not much of a chilli.
> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
> taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was
> standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to
> look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an
> aphrodisiac?
>
> *****************************************************
>
> CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
>
> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
> considerable kick. Very impressive.
> Judge # 2 -- Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
> the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
> can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
> paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli
> had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
> beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
> It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
> Screw those rednecks.
>
> *****************************************************
>
> CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
>
> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of
> spices and peppers.
> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
> Superb.
> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
> sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
> eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
> that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow
> cone.
>
> *****************************************************
>
> CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
>
> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
> chilli peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
> about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
> uncontrollably.
> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
> wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
> like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which
> slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
> shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
> decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any
> oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
> in my stomach.
>
> *****************************************************
>
> CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
>
> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too bold
> but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor
> hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
> out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure
> if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to
> really hot chilli?
> Judge # 3 - No Report

"shooter" wrote in message
> Awesumly funny!!! I laughed till I cried.

Having just gone through Chili Cook-off season, I just got hungry again.
"Liz's Liquid Lip Remover" ... I'm ready!

--
www.e-woodshop.net
Last update: 12/13/05

<[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
>A veteran of many Texas chili cookoffs, I laughed so hard I almost fell
> out of my chair. I have SEEN Judge #3 many times as a guest judge of
> local celebrities, local news anchors, etc. at these events.
>
> Thanks for the laugh.
>
> Robert


Yeah! That's Texas Chili. My wife from up north made chili once. I
thought it was hot dog relish. Chili IS NOT GREEN.

"James "Cubby" Culbertson" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
>
> "Leon" <[email protected]> wrote in message
> news:[email protected]...
>> Yeah! That's Texas Chili. My wife from up north made chili once. I
>> thought it was hot dog relish. Chili IS NOT GREEN.
>>
>
> From these parts, NM, it's Chile which most definitely is the green
> variety and there most definitely are no beans in Chile!
> Cheers,


Yeah we put that on hot dogs in Texas. :~(

"Leon" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
>
> <[email protected]> wrote in message
> news:[email protected]...
>>A veteran of many Texas chili cookoffs, I laughed so hard I almost fell
>> out of my chair. I have SEEN Judge #3 many times as a guest judge of
>> local celebrities, local news anchors, etc. at these events.
>>
>> Thanks for the laugh.
>>
>> Robert
>
>
> Yeah! That's Texas Chili. My wife from up north made chili once. I
> thought it was hot dog relish. Chili IS NOT GREEN.

Chile is.

Max

On 4/6/2006 8:53 AM John B mumbled something about the following:
> I've had a touch of the flue over the past few days, so reading this
> damned near killed me. My ribs are going to be bruised for weeks.
> Enjoy
> John
>
>
> Chilli Cook Off

[ snipped ]

I've seen this many times over the years, and it's still as funny today
as it was the first time I read it. Now I'm hungry for some FRED'S BURN
DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

--
Odinn
RCOS #7 SENS BS ???

"The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never
worshiped anything but himself." -- Sir Richard Francis Burton

Reeky's unofficial homepage ... http://www.reeky.org
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Vulcan Riders Assoc . http://www.vulcanriders.org

rot13 [email protected] to reply

"Leon" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
> Yeah! That's Texas Chili. My wife from up north made chili once. I
> thought it was hot dog relish. Chili IS NOT GREEN.
>

From these parts, NM, it's Chile which most definitely is the green variety
and there most definitely are no beans in Chile!
Cheers,
cc