OK, this was sent to me by my mother, who lives on the east coast,
Michigan, that's east of the Mississippi River. It was sent to her by
my cousin, I believe now lives on the west coast, Washington State,
that's west of the Mississippi. In case you're one of the too-tight
people, you don't need to read this, because I'm sure your gonna get
offended by some, or all, of it. But, for the people with an actual
sense of humor, here it is.
=A0
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the
last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
$50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00,
drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil. Splash hot oil on face and arms
in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw
kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter
wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter
and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash
can to avoid environmental
penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil
change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag
pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole
in backyard instead of taking it to recycle.
19) Throw kitt! y litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the backyard along
with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily
patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in
lawn mower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily
rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss August (2002)
in the left boob.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood
flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
steps 23-43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over:..... arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total-- $4165.00
But at least you know the job was done right!!
JOAT
Drink coffee. Do stupid things faster, with more energy.
Life just ain't life without good music. - JOAT
Web Page Update 13 Oct 2003.
Some tunes I like.
http://community-2.webtv.net/Jakofalltrades/SOMETUNESILIKE/
Andy Dingley wrote:
> My used oil goes for hot-oil-blueing steelwork.
> http://codesmiths.com/shed/furniture/cocktail/
How do you cut those open without blowing your head off??
No, I'm not going to try this at home, so don't worry about me running off
half cocked. :)
I'm imagining maybe you charge it with CO2 or nitrogen or something before
cutting it open. Wrong track?
Cool stuff, you weirdo. ;)
--
Michael McIntyre ---- Silvan <[email protected]>
Linux fanatic, and certified Geek; registered Linux user #243621
http://www.geocities.com/Paris/Rue/5407/
"T." wrote:
>
> OK, this was sent to me by my mother, who lives on the east coast,
> Michigan, that's east of the Mississippi River. It was sent to her by
> my cousin, I believe now lives on the west coast, Washington State,
> that's west of the Mississippi. In case you're one of the too-tight
> people, you don't need to read this, because I'm sure your gonna get
> offended by some, or all, of it. But, for the people with an actual
> sense of humor, here it is.
>
>
> Oil Change instructions for Women:
>
> 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the
> last oil change.
>
> 2) Drink a cup of coffee.
>
> 3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained
> vehicle.
>
> Money spent:
> Oil Change $20.00
> Coffee $1.00
> Total $21.00
>
> Oil Change instructions for Men:
>
> 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
> filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
> $50.00.
>
> 2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00,
> drive home.
>
> 3) Open a beer and drink it.
>
> 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
>
> 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
>
> 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
>
> 7) Place drain pan under engine.
>
> 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
>
> 9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
>
> 10) Unscrew drain plug.
>
> 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil. Splash hot oil on face and arms
> in process. Cuss.
>
> 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw
> kitty litter on spilled oil.
>
> 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
>
> 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter
> wrench.
>
> 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter
> and twist off.
>
> 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
> everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash
> can to avoid environmental
> penalties. Drink a beer.
>
> 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil
> change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.
>
> 18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag
> pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole
> in backyard instead of taking it to recycle.
>
> 19) Throw kitt! y litter on oil spilled during step 18.
>
> 20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
>
> 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
>
> 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
> gasket surface.
>
> 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
>
> 24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
>
> 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
>
> 26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the backyard along
> with drain plug.
>
> 27) Drink beer.
>
> 28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily
> patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in
> lawn mower gas.
>
> 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
> kitty litter on oil spill.
>
> 30) Drink beer.
>
> 31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily
> rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
> tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
>
> 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
>
> 33) Begin cussing fit.
>
> 34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
>
> 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss August (2002)
> in the left boob.
>
> 36) Beer.
>
> 37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood
> flow.
>
> 38) Beer.
>
> 39) Beer.
>
> 40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
>
> 41) Beer.
>
> 42) Lower car from jack stands.
>
> 43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
>
> 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
> steps 23-43.
>
> 45) Beer.
>
> 46) Test drive car.
>
> 47) Get pulled over:..... arrested for driving under the influence.
>
> 48) Car gets impounded.
>
> 49) Call loving wife, make bail.
>
> 50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
>
> Money spent:
> Parts $50.00
> DUI $2500.00
> Impound fee $75.00
> Bail $1500.00
> Beer $40.00
> Total-- $4165.00
> But at least you know the job was done right!!
>
>
> JOAT
> Drink coffee. Do stupid things faster, with more energy.
>
> Life just ain't life without good music. - JOAT
> Web Page Update 13 Oct 2003.
> Some tunes I like.
> http://community-2.webtv.net/Jakofalltrades/SOMETUNESILIKE/
LMAO! That was great. I'm in SW Michigan, Kalamazoo..yes there really is
a Kalamazoo for those that wonder, had a guy in my shop in 'Nam that
really did not know that Kazoo was a real place..he was from Georgia so
I forgave him. Anyway, what part of Mi is your mom in?
Scott
--
An unkind remark is like a killing frost. No matter how much it warms
up later, the damage remains.
Fri, Oct 17, 2003, 8:00pm [email protected] (Scott=A0Brownell) who
really needs to learn to snip, says:
<snip> Kalamazoo..<snp> Anyway, what part of Mi is your mom in?
Deck us all with Boston Charlies, Walla Walla, Wash, and Kalamazoo.
Got kin near Kalamazoo somwhere. She's in SE MI.
JOAT
I'd be happy to help you out. Which way did you come in?
Life just ain't life without good music. - JOAT
Web Page Update 17 Oct 2003.
Some tunes I like.
http://community-2.webtv.net/Jakofalltrades/SOMETUNESILIKE/
On Sat, 18 Oct 2003 15:43:42 GMT, Larry Jaques <jake@di\/ersify.com>
wrote:
>Filling it with water expunges the gas,
It doesn't. 8-(
There's a problem with gas absorbtion into the inner surface of the
cylinder (often slightly rusty). You "empty" the cylinder, then you
either leave it standing or you heat the metal - then it outgases and
there's an explosion. It's not (usually) enough to injure you, but
it'll cost you a new pair of pants.
Your google exercise for the evening is to find the web site of the
guy who had this happen to him, whilst making halloween lanterns.
Please don't post any "advice" for cutting propane cylinders open
unless you've done a bunch yourself, and you've conducted a proper
risk assessment. My protocol for doing these is a couple of pages
long, and there isn't a single step that I'd omit.
--
Die Gotterspammerung - Junkmail of the Gods
T. wrote:
> Total-- $4165.00
> But at least you know the job was done right!!
LMAO!!!!!
'Cept I can't really laugh about drinking and driving, or dumping oil in a
hole in the back yard.
No, instead I have about 15 kitty litter and antifreeze jugs full of used
oil that I may never get around to recycling.
--
Michael McIntyre ---- Silvan <[email protected]>
Linux fanatic, and certified Geek; registered Linux user #243621
http://www.geocities.com/Paris/Rue/5407/
On Fri, 17 Oct 2003 21:54:07 -0400, Silvan
<[email protected]> pixelated:
>Andy Dingley wrote:
>
>> My used oil goes for hot-oil-blueing steelwork.
>> http://codesmiths.com/shed/furniture/cocktail/
>
>How do you cut those open without blowing your head off??
Filling it with water expunges the gas, emptying the water
refills it with normal air. Cut away!
>Cool stuff, you weirdo. ;)
Agreed, on both counts. ;)
-------------------------------------------------------------
give me The Luxuries Of Life * http://www.diversify.com
i can live without the necessities * 2 Tee collections online
-------------------------------------------------------------
On Fri, 17 Oct 2003 14:33:11 -0400, Silvan
<[email protected]> wrote:
>No, instead I have about 15 kitty litter and antifreeze jugs full of used
>oil that I may never get around to recycling.
My used oil goes for hot-oil-blueing steelwork.
http://codesmiths.com/shed/furniture/cocktail/
--
Die Gotterspammerung - Junkmail of the Gods
Sat, Oct 18, 2003, 1:05am (EDT+5) [email protected]
(Andy=A0Dingley) says:
My used oil goes for hot-oil-blueing steelwork.
You've got a lotttt of spare time, haven't you Andy?
Just let us know whenever you've got something new to look at.
JOAT
I'd be happy to help you out. Which way did you come in?
Life just ain't life without good music. - JOAT
Web Page Update 17 Oct 2003.
Some tunes I like.
http://community-2.webtv.net/Jakofalltrades/SOMETUNESILIKE/
On Fri, 17 Oct 2003 22:30:04 -0400 (EDT), [email protected]
(T.) wrote:
> You've got a lotttt of spare time, haven't you Andy?
I'm a software engineer ! I haven't seen a proper day job in months.
8-(
> Just let us know whenever you've got something new to look at.
Sorry, I haven't webbed anything new for ages (the cabinet now has
shelves). There's new stuff going on, honest, I just haven't done the
camera work.
As to cutting them open, I posted our protocol to a welding ng a while
back. Basically you have a hazardous task to get the valve off, then
you can fill them totally with water and the actual cut is quite safe.
--
Die Gotterspammerung - Junkmail of the Gods
On Sat, 18 Oct 2003 22:55:10 +0100, Andy Dingley
<[email protected]> pixelated:
>On Sat, 18 Oct 2003 15:43:42 GMT, Larry Jaques <jake@di\/ersify.com>
>wrote:
>
>>Filling it with water expunges the gas,
>
>It doesn't. 8-(
I sit corrected. (too lazy to stand)
>There's a problem with gas absorbtion into the inner surface of the
>cylinder (often slightly rusty). You "empty" the cylinder, then you
>either leave it standing or you heat the metal - then it outgases and
>there's an explosion. It's not (usually) enough to injure you, but
>it'll cost you a new pair of pants.
>
>Your google exercise for the evening is to find the web site of the
>guy who had this happen to him, whilst making halloween lanterns.
<g x2>
>Please don't post any "advice" for cutting propane cylinders open
>unless you've done a bunch yourself, and you've conducted a proper
>risk assessment. My protocol for doing these is a couple of pages
>long, and there isn't a single step that I'd omit.
I bow to your advanced knowledge of the beast and will take your
advice.
-------------------------------------------------------
Have you read the new book "What Would Machiavelli Do?"
----------------------------
http://diversify.com Dynamic, Interactive Websites!
--------------------------------------------------------