true tool humor

TOOLS AND THEIR USES --

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock
out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer
across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you
had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them under the workbench with the
speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from
fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh sh--"

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old
age.

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into
major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It
transforms human energy into a crooked, predictable motion, and the more you
attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing
else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES:
Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop
on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of
which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for
testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed
your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:
Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack
handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in
bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can
after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot
to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined
screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be
used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object
we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered
to your front door; works particularly well on contents such
as seats , vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines
, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts . Especially useful for slicing
work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling
"DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool
that you will need.