This one is for the Newfies
Lew
-----------------------------------
A priest was seated next to a Newfie on a flight to St. John's.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Newfie asked for Rum & Coke, which was brought and
placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the priest if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust..... "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen
whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Newfie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
On Tue, 23 Feb 2010 21:48:43 -0600, the infamous Swingman
<[email protected]> scrawled the following:
>On 2/23/2010 9:24 PM, Robatoy wrote:
>> On Feb 23, 10:00 pm, charlie b<[email protected]> wrote:
>>> Priest gets to the ticket window at the train station
>>> and is faced with a rather busty young ticket clerk
>>> wearing a VERY low cut blouse - with a foot or so of
>>> cleavage exposed.
>>>
>>> The ticket clerk looks up, sees the priest trying not
>>> to stare at her decollete (sp?), and embarassed tries
>>> to cover "them up" while apologizing profusely to the
>>> priest.
>>>
>>> The priest tells her not to worry, it didn't bother him
>>> at all.
>>>
>>> "So what can I do for you today father?" she asks
>>>
>>> "Why, I'll take two pickets to Tittsburg please."
>>>
>>> A priest on the way to visit an ill parishiner in the sleazier
>>> part of town finds he has no nickels for the parking meter.
>>>
>>> He rings the door bell of the nearest door - and is greated
>>> by a madame - the place being a "house of ill repute." The
>>> heavily made up madame wearing a wail bone corset, garter
>>> belt and fishnet stockings - sees the priests collar and
>>> turns beet red, stuttering and mumbling an apology.
>>>
>>> The priest tells her to think nothing of it. God loves ALL
>>> his children and sees them only in their natural state
>>> of grace and innocence.
>>>
>>> How can I help you father? - the madame asks.
>>>
>>> Have you two nipples for this dime?
>>
>> That behaviour finally got to the priest and he decided to get an
>> opinion from a psychiatrist. The shrink told the priest: "this kind of
>> word/thought mix-up is quite common. You think of one thing and say
>> another, in fact, just this morning, I wanted to ask my wife to pass
>> the salt, instead I said You're ruining my life you fat bitch!"
>
>Another monitor bytes the dust!
My monitors always survive. It's the _keyboards_ I lost, before I
learned to "swallow _before_ reading the Wreck."
--
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it
exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong
remedy." -- Ernest Benn
> A priest was seated next to a Newfie on a flight to St. John's.
>
> After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
>
> The Newfie asked for Rum & Coke, which was brought and
> placed before him.
>
> The flight attendant then asked the priest if he would like a drink.
>
> He replied in disgust..... "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen
> whores than let liquor touch my lips."
>
> The Newfie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
> "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
From my experience (63 years a Catholic) I would think this fits a
Baptist Minister better than a priest. Many priests I know would have
ordered a highball:^}
RonB
On Feb 12, 7:49=A0am, "VirtualPin" <[email protected]> wrote:
> "Lew Hodgett" <[email protected]> wrote in message
>
> news:[email protected]...
>
>
>
> > This one is for the Newfies
>
> > Lew
> > -----------------------------------
> > A priest was seated next to a Newfie on a flight to St. John's.
>
> > After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
>
> > The Newfie asked for Rum & Coke, which was brought and
> > placed before him.
>
> > The flight attendant then asked the priest if he would like a drink.
>
> > He replied in disgust..... "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen
> > whores than let liquor touch my lips."
>
> > The Newfie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
> > "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
>
> The guy goes see a psychiatrist telling nobody take him seriously. =A0The
> psychiatrist reply; "You are joking right? I am sure you are kidding me"
>
> VP
>
> --- news://freenews.netfront.net/ - complaints: [email protected] ---
Same shrink sees another patient:
"Doc, I think I'm a dog."
Shrink: "Get OFF the couch!"
.
.
then moments later the shrink asks:
"How long have you felt that way?"
Patient: "Ever since I was a puppy."
.
.
.
.
.
(still funny after all these years).
Priest gets to the ticket window at the train station
and is faced with a rather busty young ticket clerk
wearing a VERY low cut blouse - with a foot or so of
cleavage exposed.
The ticket clerk looks up, sees the priest trying not
to stare at her decollete (sp?), and embarassed tries
to cover "them up" while apologizing profusely to the
priest.
The priest tells her not to worry, it didn't bother him
at all.
"So what can I do for you today father?" she asks
"Why, I'll take two pickets to Tittsburg please."
A priest on the way to visit an ill parishiner in the sleazier
part of town finds he has no nickels for the parking meter.
He rings the door bell of the nearest door - and is greated
by a madame - the place being a "house of ill repute." The
heavily made up madame wearing a wail bone corset, garter
belt and fishnet stockings - sees the priests collar and
turns beet red, stuttering and mumbling an apology.
The priest tells her to think nothing of it. God loves ALL
his children and sees them only in their natural state
of grace and innocence.
How can I help you father? - the madame asks.
Have you two nipples for this dime?
"Lew Hodgett" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
> This one is for the Newfies
>
> Lew
> -----------------------------------
> A priest was seated next to a Newfie on a flight to St. John's.
>
> After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
>
> The Newfie asked for Rum & Coke, which was brought and
> placed before him.
>
> The flight attendant then asked the priest if he would like a drink.
>
> He replied in disgust..... "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen
> whores than let liquor touch my lips."
>
> The Newfie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
> "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
>
A guy has an aisle seat on a plane, with a woman next to him in the window
seat. Plane gets up to cruising altitude, seat belt light goes off,
everyone's relaxing. The woman sneezes, the guy says God bless you, the
woman says thanks. She gets up, excuses herself, climbs over the guy, and
goes to the bathroom. She comes back, climbs over the guy back to her seat.
A few minutes later, it happens again - achoo/god bless you/thank you/excuse
me/climbs out to the bathroom/climbs back to her seat. This happens several
more times, and the guy is getting annoyed. Finally he says, "Okay, what's
up with this? Everytime you sneeze have to go to the bathroom?" She says,
"I'm sorry, I have a rare medical condition, every time I sneeze I have an
orgasm." He says, "Wow, that IS unusual. What do you take for something like
that?"
"Pepper".
B.
"Buddy Matlosz" wrote:
> A guy has an aisle seat on a plane, with a woman next to him in the
> window seat. Plane gets up to cruising altitude, seat belt light
> goes off, everyone's relaxing. The woman sneezes, the guy says God
> bless you, the woman says thanks. She gets up, excuses herself,
> climbs over the guy, and goes to the bathroom. She comes back,
> climbs over the guy back to her seat. A few minutes later, it
> happens again - achoo/god bless you/thank you/excuse me/climbs out
> to the bathroom/climbs back to her seat. This happens several more
> times, and the guy is getting annoyed. Finally he says, "Okay,
> what's up with this? Everytime you sneeze have to go to the
> bathroom?" She says, "I'm sorry, I have a rare medical condition,
> every time I sneeze I have an orgasm." He says, "Wow, that IS
> unusual. What do you take for something like that?"
>
> "Pepper".
-------------------------------------------
Been around but still has legs.
Lew
On 2010-02-24 08:59:13 -0500, Robatoy <[email protected]> said:
> "She will have the salmon."
Why do they call it PMS?
"Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
On Fri, 12 Feb 2010 05:26:49 -0800 (PST), the infamous Robatoy
<[email protected]> scrawled the following:
>Same shrink sees another patient:
>"Doc, I think I'm a dog."
>Shrink: "Get OFF the couch!"
>.
>.
>then moments later the shrink asks:
>"How long have you felt that way?"
>Patient: "Ever since I was a puppy."
>.
>(still funny after all these years).
Sounds like standup from Rodney Dangerfield.
--
It's a great life...once you weaken.
--author James Hogan
On Feb 11, 9:43=A0pm, "Martin H. Eastburn" <[email protected]>
wrote:
> Good one Lew!
> Martin
>
>
>
> Lew Hodgett wrote:
> > This one is for the Newfies
>
> > Lew
> > -----------------------------------
> > A priest was seated next to a Newfie on a flight to St. John's.
>
> > After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
>
> > The Newfie asked for Rum & Coke, which was brought and
> > placed before him.
>
> > The flight attendant then asked the priest if he would like a drink.
>
> > He replied in disgust..... "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen
> > whores than let liquor touch my lips."
>
> > The Newfie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
> > "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
Classic!
"Robatoy" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:2066cbac-0393-4c60-a770-469bbc6150a8@i39g2000yqm.googlegroups.com...
On Feb 12, 7:49 am, "VirtualPin" <[email protected]> wrote:
> "Lew Hodgett" <[email protected]> wrote in message
>
> news:[email protected]...
>
>
>
> > This one is for the Newfies
>
> > Lew
> > -----------------------------------
> > A priest was seated next to a Newfie on a flight to St. John's.
>
> > After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
>
> > The Newfie asked for Rum & Coke, which was brought and
> > placed before him.
>
> > The flight attendant then asked the priest if he would like a drink.
>
> > He replied in disgust..... "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen
> > whores than let liquor touch my lips."
>
> > The Newfie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
> > "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
>
> The guy goes see a psychiatrist telling nobody take him seriously. The
> psychiatrist reply; "You are joking right? I am sure you are kidding me"
>
> VP
>
> --- news://freenews.netfront.net/ - complaints: [email protected] ---
Same shrink sees another patient:
"Doc, I think I'm a dog."
Shrink: "Get OFF the couch!"
.
.
then moments later the shrink asks:
"How long have you felt that way?"
Patient: "Ever since I was a puppy."
.
.(still funny after all these years).
And the oldest shrink joke...
Guy goes to a shrink wearing cellophane underwear,
shrink says "Clearly I can see your nuts".
On 2/23/2010 9:24 PM, Robatoy wrote:
> On Feb 23, 10:00 pm, charlie b<[email protected]> wrote:
>> Priest gets to the ticket window at the train station
>> and is faced with a rather busty young ticket clerk
>> wearing a VERY low cut blouse - with a foot or so of
>> cleavage exposed.
>>
>> The ticket clerk looks up, sees the priest trying not
>> to stare at her decollete (sp?), and embarassed tries
>> to cover "them up" while apologizing profusely to the
>> priest.
>>
>> The priest tells her not to worry, it didn't bother him
>> at all.
>>
>> "So what can I do for you today father?" she asks
>>
>> "Why, I'll take two pickets to Tittsburg please."
>>
>> A priest on the way to visit an ill parishiner in the sleazier
>> part of town finds he has no nickels for the parking meter.
>>
>> He rings the door bell of the nearest door - and is greated
>> by a madame - the place being a "house of ill repute." The
>> heavily made up madame wearing a wail bone corset, garter
>> belt and fishnet stockings - sees the priests collar and
>> turns beet red, stuttering and mumbling an apology.
>>
>> The priest tells her to think nothing of it. God loves ALL
>> his children and sees them only in their natural state
>> of grace and innocence.
>>
>> How can I help you father? - the madame asks.
>>
>> Have you two nipples for this dime?
>
> That behaviour finally got to the priest and he decided to get an
> opinion from a psychiatrist. The shrink told the priest: "this kind of
> word/thought mix-up is quite common. You think of one thing and say
> another, in fact, just this morning, I wanted to ask my wife to pass
> the salt, instead I said You're ruining my life you fat bitch!"
Another monitor bytes the dust!
--
www.e-woodshop.net
Last update: 10/22/08
KarlC@ (the obvious)
On Feb 24, 12:22=A0am, "Dave In Texas" <[email protected]> wrote:
> An Irish guy walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says,
> "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
>
> The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you
> weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."
>
> The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize=
I
> was talking to the sheep."
>
> Dave in Houston
Yowsa! (*filed under !to-be-used-for-carefully-selected-audience!*)
That one reminds of the classic one during the mad cow disease scare
where the waiter takes an order: "For you sir?"
Patron: "I will have a nice big juicy steak.:
Waiter: "What about the mad cow?"
Patron: "She will have the salmon."
On Feb 23, 10:00=A0pm, charlie b <[email protected]> wrote:
> Priest gets to the ticket window at the train station
> and is faced with a rather busty young ticket clerk
> wearing a VERY low cut blouse - with a foot or so of
> cleavage exposed.
>
> The ticket clerk looks up, sees the priest trying not
> to stare at her decollete (sp?), and embarassed tries
> to cover "them up" while apologizing profusely to the
> priest.
>
> The priest tells her not to worry, it didn't bother him
> at all.
>
> "So what can I do for you today father?" she asks
>
> "Why, I'll take two pickets to Tittsburg please."
>
> A priest on the way to visit an ill parishiner in the sleazier
> part of town finds he has no nickels for the parking meter.
>
> He rings the door bell of the nearest door - and is greated
> by a madame - the place being a "house of ill repute." =A0The
> heavily made up madame wearing a wail bone corset, garter
> belt and fishnet stockings - sees the priests collar and
> turns beet red, stuttering and mumbling an apology.
>
> The priest tells her to think nothing of it. =A0God loves ALL
> his children and sees them only in their natural state
> of grace and innocence.
>
> How can I help you father? - the madame asks.
>
> Have you two nipples for this dime?
That behaviour finally got to the priest and he decided to get an
opinion from a psychiatrist. The shrink told the priest: "this kind of
word/thought mix-up is quite common. You think of one thing and say
another, in fact, just this morning, I wanted to ask my wife to pass
the salt, instead I said You're ruining my life you fat bitch!"
Good one Lew!
Martin
Lew Hodgett wrote:
> This one is for the Newfies
>
> Lew
> -----------------------------------
> A priest was seated next to a Newfie on a flight to St. John's.
>
> After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
>
> The Newfie asked for Rum & Coke, which was brought and
> placed before him.
>
> The flight attendant then asked the priest if he would like a drink.
>
> He replied in disgust..... "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen
> whores than let liquor touch my lips."
>
> The Newfie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
> "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
>
>
>
"Lew Hodgett" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
> This one is for the Newfies
>
> Lew
> -----------------------------------
> A priest was seated next to a Newfie on a flight to St. John's.
>
> After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
>
> The Newfie asked for Rum & Coke, which was brought and
> placed before him.
>
> The flight attendant then asked the priest if he would like a drink.
>
> He replied in disgust..... "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen
> whores than let liquor touch my lips."
>
> The Newfie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
> "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
>
The guy goes see a psychiatrist telling nobody take him seriously. The
psychiatrist reply; "You are joking right? I am sure you are kidding me"
VP
--- news://freenews.netfront.net/ - complaints: [email protected] ---
In article <0bc0dbe5-811c-47d7-ab44-a0f7077351c6@k19g2000yqc.googlegroups.com>, RonB <[email protected]> wrote:
>
>> A priest was seated next to a Newfie on a flight to St. John's.
>>
>> After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
>>
>> The Newfie asked for Rum & Coke, which was brought and
>> placed before him.
>>
>> The flight attendant then asked the priest if he would like a drink.
>>
>> He replied in disgust..... "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen
>> whores than let liquor touch my lips."
>>
>> The Newfie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
>> "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
>
>From my experience (63 years a Catholic) I would think this fits a
>Baptist Minister better than a priest. Many priests I know would have
>ordered a highball:^}
Exactly so, and many Catholic laity as well. For those who aren't aware of it,
the Church teaches that *moderate* consumption of alcohol is not sinful, but
drunkenness *is*.
An Irish guy walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says,
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you
weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."
The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I
was talking to the sheep."
Dave in Houston