a.. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the
room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you
were drying.
b.. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws
them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.
Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar
calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
c.. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel
pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age
d.. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
e.. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the
Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a
crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to
influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
f.. VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing
else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
g.. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting
various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also
handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're
trying to get the bearing race out of.
h.. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older
British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for
impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching
for the last 15 minutes.
i.. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to
the ground after you have installed your new front disk
brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the
front fender.
j.. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a
motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.
k.. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
l.. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has
another hydraulic floor jack.
m.. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a
sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for
getting dog-do off your boot.
n.. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off
in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill
bit.
o.. TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating
grease buildup.
p.. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing
the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you
may have forgotten to disconnect.
q.. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount
prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined
screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
r.. BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for
transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside
of your toolbox after determining that your battery is
dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
s.. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
t.. TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth.
Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of
vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise
found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside,
it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about
the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used
during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the
Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
misleading.
u.. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of
old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your
shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off
Phillips screw heads.
v.. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in
a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it
into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago
Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last
tightened 40 years ago by someone in Sindelfingen, and
rounds them off.
w.. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding
that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to
replace a 50 cent part.
x.. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too
short.
y.. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the
hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate
expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to
hit.
z.. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the
contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door;
works particularly well on boxes containing seats and
motorcycle jackets.
On Nov 9, 12:18 pm, LRod <[email protected]> wrote:
> If truth in advertising applied to posting you would have properly
> attributed this to Peter Egan who wrote it for Road & Track. The whole
> (and much better) original can be seen athttp://www.woodbutcher.net/tools.htm
>
> On Fri, 9 Nov 2007 09:16:17 -0600, "nsum" <[email protected]>
> wrote:
>
> [unattributed and bastardized replica of a once fine work snipped]
>
> --
> LRod
>
> Master Woodbutcher and seasoned termite
>
> Shamelessly whoring my website since 1999
>
> http://www.woodbutcher.net
>
> Proud participant of rec.woodworking since February, 1997
>
> email addy de-spam-ified due to 1,000 spams per month.
> If you can't figure out how to use it, I probably wouldn't
> care to correspond with you anyway.
I for one am shocked *shocked* that someone on the Interwebs would
steal material and claim it for his own...
Jeff
Never claimed it as my own. Just passed it along as I received it. I had
never seen it before.
Apologies to original author.
"nsum" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
> a.. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
> snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
> smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the
> room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you
> were drying.
>
>
> b.. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws
> them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.
> Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar
> calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
>
>
> c.. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel
> pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age
>
>
> d.. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
>
>
> e.. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the
> Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a
> crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to
> influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
>
>
> f.. VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing
> else is available, they can also be used to transfer
> intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
>
>
> g.. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting
> various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also
> handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're
> trying to get the bearing race out of.
>
>
> h.. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older
> British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for
> impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching
> for the last 15 minutes.
>
>
> i.. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to
> the ground after you have installed your new front disk
> brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the
> front fender.
>
>
> j.. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a
> motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.
>
>
> k.. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
>
>
> l.. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has
> another hydraulic floor jack.
>
>
> m.. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a
> sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for
> getting dog-do off your boot.
>
>
> n.. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off
> in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill
> bit.
>
>
> o.. TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating
> grease buildup.
>
>
> p.. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing
> the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you
> may have forgotten to disconnect.
>
>
> q.. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount
> prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined
> screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
>
>
> r.. BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for
> transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside
> of your toolbox after determining that your battery is
> dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
>
>
> s.. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
>
>
> t.. TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth.
> Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of
> vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise
> found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside,
> it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about
> the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used
> during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the
> Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
> misleading.
>
>
> u.. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of
> old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your
> shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off
> Phillips screw heads.
>
>
> v.. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in
> a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it
> into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago
> Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last
> tightened 40 years ago by someone in Sindelfingen, and
> rounds them off.
>
>
> w.. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding
> that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to
> replace a 50 cent part.
>
>
> x.. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too
> short.
>
>
> y.. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the
> hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate
> expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to
> hit.
>
>
> z.. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the
> contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door;
> works particularly well on boxes containing seats and
> motorcycle jackets.
>
>
>
If truth in advertising applied to posting you would have properly
attributed this to Peter Egan who wrote it for Road & Track. The whole
(and much better) original can be seen at
http://www.woodbutcher.net/tools.htm
On Fri, 9 Nov 2007 09:16:17 -0600, "nsum" <[email protected]>
wrote:
[unattributed and bastardized replica of a once fine work snipped]
--
LRod
Master Woodbutcher and seasoned termite
Shamelessly whoring my website since 1999
http://www.woodbutcher.net
Proud participant of rec.woodworking since February, 1997
email addy de-spam-ified due to 1,000 spams per month.
If you can't figure out how to use it, I probably wouldn't
care to correspond with you anyway.
Now THAT is funny!
Thanks for the laugh this morning!
Skip
www.ShopFileR.com
"nsum" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
> a.. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
> snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
> smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the
> room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you
> were drying.
>
>
> b.. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws
> them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.
> Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar
> calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
>
>
> c.. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel
> pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age
>
>
> d.. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
>
>
> e.. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the
> Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a
> crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to
> influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
>
>
> f.. VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing
> else is available, they can also be used to transfer
> intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
>
>
> g.. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting
> various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also
> handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're
> trying to get the bearing race out of.
>
>
> h.. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older
> British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for
> impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching
> for the last 15 minutes.
>
>
> i.. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to
> the ground after you have installed your new front disk
> brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the
> front fender.
>
>
> j.. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a
> motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.
>
>
> k.. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
>
>
> l.. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has
> another hydraulic floor jack.
>
>
> m.. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a
> sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for
> getting dog-do off your boot.
>
>
> n.. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off
> in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill
> bit.
>
>
> o.. TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating
> grease buildup.
>
>
> p.. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing
> the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you
> may have forgotten to disconnect.
>
>
> q.. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount
> prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined
> screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
>
>
> r.. BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for
> transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside
> of your toolbox after determining that your battery is
> dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
>
>
> s.. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
>
>
> t.. TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth.
> Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of
> vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise
> found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside,
> it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about
> the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used
> during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the
> Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
> misleading.
>
>
> u.. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of
> old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your
> shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off
> Phillips screw heads.
>
>
> v.. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in
> a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it
> into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago
> Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last
> tightened 40 years ago by someone in Sindelfingen, and
> rounds them off.
>
>
> w.. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding
> that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to
> replace a 50 cent part.
>
>
> x.. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too
> short.
>
>
> y.. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the
> hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate
> expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to
> hit.
>
>
> z.. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the
> contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door;
> works particularly well on boxes containing seats and
> motorcycle jackets.
>
>
>
nsum wrote:
> a.. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
> snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
Loved the notes on tools and just the right reading to pass on
to friends who use hammers to locate thumbs not being watched.
As they are not into eloquent reading, your version is great.