I thought this was worth breaking my habit of not starting OT threads.
YMMV:
A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly
smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the
stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom,
and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping
the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the
kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven.
There, spread out up on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally
hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted
wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table.
The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the
edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his
wife.
"Stay away from those," she said. "They're for after the funeral."
On Nov 11, 5:42=A0pm, "Lew Hodgett" <[email protected]> wrote:
> RE: Subject
>
> First time I heard those kicked the slats out of the cradle.
>
> Lew
So, who did Noah team you up with?
On Nov 12, 5:43=A0am, "Joe" <[email protected]> wrote:
> "Larry Jaques" <novalidaddress@di\/ersify.com> wrote in message
>
> news:[email protected]...
>
>
>
>
>
> > On Wed, 11 Nov 2009 22:47:45 GMT, the infamous "Joe" <[email protected]>
> > scrawled the following:
>
> >>"Robatoy" <[email protected]> wrote in message
> >>news:73ed831b-d80d-4046-9dbd-eb3fb405731e@z41g2000yqz.googlegroups.com.=
..
> >>On Nov 11, 5:27 pm, "Tom Dacon" <[email protected]> wrote:
> >>> A lesbian, a rabbi, and a frog walk into a bar.
>
> >>> The bartender looks up at them and says,
>
> >>> "What is this? A joke?"
>
> >>Horse walks into a bar.
> >>The bartender says: "Hey, buddy, what's with the long face?"
>
> >>A rope walks into a bar, is told that his kind isn't served there.
>
> >>Goes outside, throws himself down on the ground, rolls all over the pla=
ce,
> >>twists and turns gets all scractched up and is in a general state of
> >>dishevelment.
>
> >>Walks back into the bar, bartender asks "aren't you that rope I just th=
rew
> >>out of here?"
>
> >>Rope says 'fraid not.
>
> > You meant to write "I'm a frayed knot.", didn't you? =A0<sigh>
>
> Nope, I wrote it like I meant it and left the rest to the reader. =A0 <si=
gh
> back>
Tim was just showing off that he got the joke. He musta bin proud.
I liked the joke the way it was, Joe.
Game ON:
The drummer Tom Fogerty has died. He wakes up and finds himself on a stage on
which a number of instruments are set up. A door offstage opens and in walk
Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Brian Jones, John Lennon, Otis Redding, and Buddy
Holly. Each musician picks up his favorite instrument and begins tuning up.
All of the instruments are taken but, to Tom's immense pleasure, the drums.
He walks up to Jimi and says, "Man, so this is what heaven is like." Jimi
looks at him and says, "Heaven? You think this is heaven?" At that moment,
Karen Carpenter walks in, takes her seat behind the drums, and calls out,
"Okay guys, 'Close to You'. One, two, three, four..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Boy, did I have a rough night last night!!! I dreamt I was a muffler!
I woke up exhausted!
[Jokes like this really get me fuming.]
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I regret to inform you that one of the California Raisins died
earlier today. Police are still looking for clues. So far,
the only thing they know is that it was a cereal killer.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was walking through the centre of town the other day when I came across a
large crowd of people. I pushed through them and saw they were all looking at
a thing that was half man and half horse, he was the centaur of attention.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent
his time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea.
One day, in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that
would make dolphins live forever!
Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order
to mass produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain
compound that was only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare
South American bird. Carried away by his love for dolphins, he resolved
that he would go to the zoo and steal one of these birds.
Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly
lion was escaping from its cage. The zookeepers were alarmed and
immediately began combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware
that it had simply lain down on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep.
Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured
his bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins
that he stepped absentmindedly over the sleeping lion on his way
back to his car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and
arrested him for transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal
porpoises.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A newcomer to the penitentiary was tipped off by his cellmate that if he
made romantic advances to the warden's wife, she could get his jail term
shortened. However, he decided that it wasn't right to end his sentence
with a proposition.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A group of archeologists go to Mexico to study the origins of the Zigguarats
(pyramids) which the ancients left there. During the course of their
investigations, they happened upon some strange markings along the base of
one pyramid. Among themselves, they argued about the meaning of the markings,
but were not able to agree. Finally, they gave it up for the night, and set
up camp. Next to the pyramid they built a fire, so as to protect it from the
wind.
During the night, weird things happened.....unexplained noises, objects moving
around on their own, etc. The scientists were very nervous. As the night
went on, they heaped more and more wood on their fire, trying to ward off
whatever evil spirits might be about.
Finally, the flames grew very high. And finally, the evil spirits had had
enough. They swooped down on the archaeologists and killed them! If only they
had been able to decipher the inscription:
Ziggurat smoking is harmful to your health.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A husband and wife had a human cannonball act in the circus. One
day the wife ran off with the lion tamer. The husband was extremely
dejected. The strong man asked him what he was going to do. The
husband answered, "This is a disaster. I don't know where I'm going
to find another woman of her caliber."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had
him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He keep
favoring curry.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a three-legged dog moseyed into Dodge City, Kansas.
He was your typical western dog, he had a bandana around his neck
and a snarl on his lips.
Anyway, Matt Dillon met the dog in the middle of Main Street amidst
all his fans and said, "Three-Legged dog, this heres a peaceful
community, we don't want no trouble."
To which the three-legged dog replied, "Matt, I'm not looking for
no trouble neither, I'm just lookin' for the man that shot my paw!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An old woman was sitting in a park in Moscow reading a "Teach
Yourself Hebrew" book. A policeman notices her and decides to
start to give her a hard time.
"What are you reading that for?" he shouts at her.
She replies, "I am old, and I will die soon. I want to be
prepared; so I am studying the language of heaven."
The cop says, "Well, how do know that it's heaven that you are going
to?"
The old women answers, "Well, honestly I don't, but that's okay. I
already speak Russian."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tim Daneliuk [email protected]
PGP Key: http://www.tundraware.com/PGP/
In article <[email protected]>, Joe
<[email protected]> wrote:
> Horse walks into a bar.
> The bartender says: "Hey, buddy, what's with the long face?"
Cher walks into a bar...
John Kerry walks into a bar...
In article <[email protected]>, Stuart
<[email protected]> wrote:
> In article <111120091714137925%dave@N_O_T_T_H_I_Sbalderstone.ca>,
> Dave Balderstone <dave@N_O_T_T_H_I_Sbalderstone.ca> wrote:
> > In article <[email protected]>, Joe
> > <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> > > Horse walks into a bar.
> > > The bartender says: "Hey, buddy, what's with the long face?"
>
> > Cher walks into a bar...
>
> > John Kerry walks into a bar...
>
> Blind man walks into a bar
> Ouch!
There's a fellow at work who is QUITE tall. One room where old files
are stored has a pipe running across it at about 6'4".
Somebody taped a sign to it that says in BIG letters: "Roy, DUCK!"
"Tim Daneliuk" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
>
> What does it mean when there is drool running out of both sides
> of the drummer's mouth?
>
> The stage is level.
>
> ---
> How do you get a guitarist to play quieter?
>
> Put sheet music in front of them.
>
> ---
> What do you call someone that hangs out with musicians?
>
> A vocalist.
>
> ---
> What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?
>
> A flat miner.
>
What's the difference between a puppy and a female vocalist?
Pat a puppy on the head and it quits whining.
--
-Mike-
[email protected]
On Nov 12, 3:31=A0pm, FrozenNorth <[email protected]>
wrote:
> Larry Jaques wrote:
> > On Thu, 12 Nov 2009 07:52:26 -0800, the infamous Zz Yzx
> > <[email protected]> scrawled the following:
>
> >>> Horse walks into a bar.
> >>> The bartender says: "Hey, buddy, what's with the long face?"
> >> John Kerry, Sarah Jessica Paker and Daryll Hannah walk into a bar and
> >> the bartender says "So why the long faces"?
>
> >> (made that up myself)
>
> > I can tell. =A0REAL men would have been looking at their boobs. <gd&r>
>
> John Kerry's?
>
> --
> Froz...
>
> The system will be down for 10 days for preventive maintenance.
Boobs, not moobs.
On Wed, 11 Nov 2009 10:47:43 -0600, Tim Daneliuk
<[email protected]> wrote:
>"Stay away from those," she said. "They're for after the funeral."
SEE! Now that was a good joke. Discuss something woodworking now and
we'll all live in harmony.
No attack, no recrimination.
<[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
> On Thu, 12 Nov 2009 06:59:02 +0800, "diggerop" <toobusy@themoment>
> wrote:
>
>>I was driving home the other day and rear ended the car in front of me. My
>>fault.
>>We both pulled our cars off the road and got out to exchange insurance
>>details.
>>I got a real shock when he got out of his car, - he was a dwarf.
>>He stormed over to me, stood there with hands on his hips, looked up and
>>said in a very loud and angry voice, "I AM NOT HAPPY."
>>"Fair enough," I replied, "which one are you then?"
>>......... and that's when the fight started
>
> Damn you diggerop. You get your nasty butt over to my place right now
> and clean off my monitor. :)
With his nasty butt?????
B.
In article <111120091714137925%dave@N_O_T_T_H_I_Sbalderstone.ca>,
Dave Balderstone <dave@N_O_T_T_H_I_Sbalderstone.ca> wrote:
> In article <[email protected]>, Joe
> <[email protected]> wrote:
> > Horse walks into a bar.
> > The bartender says: "Hey, buddy, what's with the long face?"
> Cher walks into a bar...
> John Kerry walks into a bar...
Blind man walks into a bar
Ouch!
[email protected] wrote:
> On Wed, 11 Nov 2009 10:47:43 -0600, Tim Daneliuk
> <[email protected]> wrote:
>
>> "Stay away from those," she said. "They're for after the funeral."
>
> SEE! Now that was a good joke. Discuss something woodworking now and
> we'll all live in harmony.
>
> No attack, no recrimination.
An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar.
The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.
"Y'know," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why,
in Glasgow there's a wee bar called MacTavish's. Now, the landlord
there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4
drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman
there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's
O'Driscoll's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy
you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've
had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid.
All on the house."
"Really?" said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen
to me sister.
On Wed, 11 Nov 2009 19:39:29 -0500, "Buddy Matlosz"
<[email protected]> wrote:
>> Damn you diggerop. You get your nasty butt over to my place right now
>> and clean off my monitor. :)
>With his nasty butt?????
Well... only if it's a clean nasty butt.
On Nov 11, 12:11=A0pm, [email protected] wrote:
> On Wed, 11 Nov 2009 10:47:43 -0600, Tim Daneliuk
>
> <[email protected]> wrote:
> >"Stay away from those," she said. "They're for after the funeral."
>
> SEE! Now that was a good joke. Discuss something woodworking now and
> we'll all live in harmony.
>
> No attack, no recrimination.
A classic:
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but
think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland"
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am"
The first guy says, "So am I and where about from Ireland might you
be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I.
And what street did you live on in Dublin ?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary
Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & begora it's a small world, so did I.! So
did I.
And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me,
what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!
I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar
tonight.
Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a
beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters,
"It's going to be a long night tonight".
Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"
"The Murphy twins are drunk again."
On Nov 11, 5:27=A0pm, "Tom Dacon" <[email protected]> wrote:
> A lesbian, a rabbi, and a frog walk into a bar.
>
> The bartender looks up at them and says,
>
> "What is this? A joke?"
Horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hey, buddy, what's with the long face?"
On Fri, 13 Nov 2009 08:57:27 -0500, "Mike Marlow"
<[email protected]> wrote:
>
>"Tim Daneliuk" <[email protected]> wrote in message
>news:[email protected]...
>
>>
>> What does it mean when there is drool running out of both sides
>> of the drummer's mouth?
>>
>> The stage is level.
>>
>> ---
>> How do you get a guitarist to play quieter?
>>
>> Put sheet music in front of them.
>>
>> ---
>> What do you call someone that hangs out with musicians?
>>
>> A vocalist.
>>
>> ---
>> What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?
>>
>> A flat miner.
>>
>
>What's the difference between a puppy and a female vocalist?
>
>Pat a puppy on the head and it quits whining.
What's the difference between a large pizza and a jazz musician?
A large pizza can feed a family of four.
On Thu, 12 Nov 2009 06:02:58 -0800 (PST), the infamous Robatoy
<[email protected]> scrawled the following:
>On Nov 12, 5:43 am, "Joe" <[email protected]> wrote:
>> "Larry Jaques" <novalidaddress@di\/ersify.com> wrote in message
>>
>> news:[email protected]...
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> > On Wed, 11 Nov 2009 22:47:45 GMT, the infamous "Joe" <[email protected]>
>> > scrawled the following:
>>
>> >>"Robatoy" <[email protected]> wrote in message
>> >>news:73ed831b-d80d-4046-9dbd-eb3fb405731e@z41g2000yqz.googlegroups.com...
>> >>On Nov 11, 5:27 pm, "Tom Dacon" <[email protected]> wrote:
>> >>> A lesbian, a rabbi, and a frog walk into a bar.
>>
>> >>> The bartender looks up at them and says,
>>
>> >>> "What is this? A joke?"
>>
>> >>Horse walks into a bar.
>> >>The bartender says: "Hey, buddy, what's with the long face?"
>>
>> >>A rope walks into a bar, is told that his kind isn't served there.
>>
>> >>Goes outside, throws himself down on the ground, rolls all over the place,
>> >>twists and turns gets all scractched up and is in a general state of
>> >>dishevelment.
>>
>> >>Walks back into the bar, bartender asks "aren't you that rope I just threw
>> >>out of here?"
>>
>> >>Rope says 'fraid not.
>>
>> > You meant to write "I'm a frayed knot.", didn't you? <sigh>
>>
>> Nope, I wrote it like I meant it and left the rest to the reader. <sigh
>> back>
>
>Tim was just showing off that he got the joke. He musta bin proud.
>
>I liked the joke the way it was, Joe.
Tim? That's not Danieluck, is it? I have him filtered and will
include this addy, too, if need be.
Just to get your addy out of hock, I had to remove my gmail filter.
Now I get the damned tilde ~~~~~ ads from some maroon, too. Feh!
I think I got a couple more Wreckers, too, so it was worth it after
all.
--
You know, in about 40 years, we'll have literally thousands of
OLD LADIES running around with TATTOOS, and Rap Music will be
the Golden Oldies. Now that's SCARY! --Maxine
[email protected] wrote:
> On Wed, 11 Nov 2009 10:47:43 -0600, Tim Daneliuk
> <[email protected]> wrote:
>
>> "Stay away from those," she said. "They're for after the funeral."
>
> SEE! Now that was a good joke. Discuss something woodworking now and
> we'll all live in harmony.
>
> No attack, no recrimination.
An Irish WWer walks into a Chicago bar and says,
"Do ya have any Irish whiskey in this place? I'm from Ireland
working on a construction project here and I'm homesick."
The barman says, "Why yes, we have Jamesons."
The Irishman says, "I'll take 'tree shots if you please."
The barman obliges, Paddy drinks up, and leaves.
For a month, Paddy comes in for his "'tree shots".
One day, the barman says, "You know, here in Chicago we can legally
pour triples - you don't have to order three individual drinks."
"I know", says Paddy, "But I miss me family. So, I have one fer me,
one for me brudder Sean, and one fer me brudder Shamus."
The barman is so moved, he pays for that night's drinks.
Months go by following the exact same pattern. One night, Paddy
walks in and says "Could ya pour me *two* shots of the Irish?"
The barman in a very sad tone says, "I'm so sorry, something happened
to one of your brothers?"
"Naw". says Paddy, "All that whiskey was making me shaky and interferin'
with me cabinet work, so I'm off the liquor ...."
--
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tim Daneliuk [email protected]
PGP Key: http://www.tundraware.com/PGP/
On Wed, 11 Nov 2009 22:47:45 GMT, the infamous "Joe" <[email protected]>
scrawled the following:
>
>"Robatoy" <[email protected]> wrote in message
>news:73ed831b-d80d-4046-9dbd-eb3fb405731e@z41g2000yqz.googlegroups.com...
>On Nov 11, 5:27 pm, "Tom Dacon" <[email protected]> wrote:
>> A lesbian, a rabbi, and a frog walk into a bar.
>>
>> The bartender looks up at them and says,
>>
>> "What is this? A joke?"
>
>Horse walks into a bar.
>The bartender says: "Hey, buddy, what's with the long face?"
>
>A rope walks into a bar, is told that his kind isn't served there.
>
>Goes outside, throws himself down on the ground, rolls all over the place,
>twists and turns gets all scractched up and is in a general state of
>dishevelment.
>
>Walks back into the bar, bartender asks "aren't you that rope I just threw
>out of here?"
>
>Rope says 'fraid not.
You meant to write "I'm a frayed knot.", didn't you? <sigh>
----------------------------------------------------
Thesaurus: Ancient reptile with excellent vocabulary
====================================================
Gig Rules, Infractions and Fines
DRUMMER OFFENSES
NAME OF DRUMMER: __________________________________
DRUMMERS REAL NAME: _______________________________
(other than "sticks", "backbeat", "snake", "drowned-out" ... etc.)
DATE OF OFFENSE(S): _____ / _____ / _______
Setup / Equipment Offenses:
[ ] Brings a 36" bass drum ..$25.
[ ] Has more than one bass drum. ..$100.
[ ] Brings a 10" deep snare (for a solid back beat)..$50.
[ ] Brings more than 2 mounted toms ..$25.
[ ] Has a tubular chrome bar that holds all his mounted toms ..$50.
[ ] Brings more than one floor tom .$25.
[ ] Brings more than one crash cymbal ..$25.
[ ] Doesn't bring a ride cymbal..$250.
[ ] Brings a 46" Chinese gong (for big endings)..$75.
[ ] Brings two timpani (for really big endings)..$100.
[ ] Doesn't bring any brushes..$300.
[ ] Has a hi-hat that is welded shut..$250.
[ ] Asks leader where he can plug in his headphones..$200.
[ ] Wears old black Nike sneakers on tux gig..$50.
[ ] Tunes snare drum during the benediction..$175.
Playing Offenses:
[ ] Plays eighth note rock ballad style on "Stardust"..$150.
[ ] Pretends to read chart with big band..$25.
[ ] Actually reads drum part for big band (note for note)..$200.
[ ] Asks bass player "Where are we?" on "Happy Birthday"..$100.
[ ] Plays disco beat on "A Train"..$200.
[ ] Takes fours on "The Bride Cuts the Cake"..$100.
[ ] Takes a break when the leader says "A request for Take 5"..$25.
[ ] Actually tries to play on "Take 5"..$150.
[ ] Asks leader what brushes are..$250.
[ ] Plays breaks in "Cute" with sticks..$50.
[ ] Plays breaks in "Cute" on timpani..$100.
[ ] Plays breaks in "Cute" on Chinese gong..$250.
[ ] Juggling drumsticks during song ..$250.
[ ] Losing time while juggling drumsticks ..$350.
[ ] Failure to catch juggled drumsticks ..$500.
[ ] Stop playing to pick up dropped drumstick(s) ..$1250.
Other Miscellaneous Offenses:
[ ] Mentions to host that "DJs are the wave of the future..$100.
[ ] Is first in line at the party's buffet..$50.
[ ] Asks where the "take-out bags" are at the buffet line..$100.
[ ] Asks the bartender for 3 "Purple Shooters"..$50.
[ ] Says to the bride "You've got a nice set of hooters"..$25.
[ ] Says to the brides mother "Hey this is a f#%*in' good party"..$150.
[ ] Is ten minutes late for the next set..$25.
[ ] Is twenty minutes late for the next set..$10.
[ ] Never shows up for the next set..$1.
BASS OFFENSES
NAME OF OFFENDER (Bass Player)_______________________
INFRACTION DATE___________________________
MUSICAL OFFENSES
[ ] Playing loudly during warm up ..$10
[ ] Sound-checking amp with funk slapping ..$25
[ ] Loud cursing after mistake ..$10
[ ] Playing high and fast after mistake ..$20
[ ] Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes ..$20
[ ] Asking for "E" tuning note ..$25
[ ] Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb ..$50
[ ] Playing written-out walking line ..$50
[ ] Failure to play written walking line ..$75
[ ] Writing note names over ledger-line notes ..$50
[ ] Writing beat numbers under dotted figures ..$50
[ ] Playing eighth notes ..$5 each
[ ] Playing sixteenth notes ..$10 each
[ ] Playing above 1st octave .. immediate dismissal
[ ] Dragging fast tempo ..$75
[ ] Dragging ballad tempo ..$100
[ ] Blacking out during ballad ..$200
[ ] Ignoring drummer's tempo ..$100
[ ] Following drummer's tempo ..$250
[ ] Asking to borrow Real Book for "All Of Me" ..$1000
UPRIGHT PLAYERS
[ ] Showing up before first downbeat ..$25
[ ] Playing audibly ..$25
[ ] Faking changes ..$25
[ ] Slapping ..$150
[ ] Missing tuttilick, then mentioning vintage of bass ..$25
[ ] Excessive sweating ..$25
[ ] Pedal point double-stops during horn solo ..$50
[ ] Asking leader for a solo ..$30
[ ] Accepting solo when offered ..$50
[ ] Taking second chorus ..$100
[ ] Playing solo arco..$400
[ ] Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune ..$100
[ ] Playing "A Train" ending on every tune ..$200
[ ] Playing extended "A Train" ending on every tune ..$500
ELECTRIC PLAYERS
[ ] Checking hair between tunes ..$15
[ ] Experimenting with odd meters ..$25
[ ] Missing root at end of blistering fill ..$25
[ ] Playing with a pick ..$50
[ ] Tuning during ballad ..$30
[ ] Playing Jacogroove on samba ..$75
[ ] Playing Jacosamba groove on ballad ..$150
[ ] Attempting last word on final chord ..$50
[ ] Achieving last word on final chord ..$100
[ ] Long glissdown to final note ..$200
EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS - ELECTRIC
[ ] Forgetting strap ..$10
[ ] Changing strings after every set ..$15
[ ] Using electric tuner ..$15
[ ] Setting up mic"just in case" ..$75
[ ] Forgetting to turn amp on ..$40
[ ] Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip ..$50
[ ] Asking horn player for help moving amp ..$25
[ ] Bringing custom-made bass ..$100 per string above 4
[ ] Bringing more than 1 bass ..$100 per extra bass
[ ] Skull decals on bass ..$150
[ ] Bringing fretless bass ..$500
CRIMINAL BAD TASTE
[ ] Telling bone player about all the gigs you get ..$10
[ ] Asking bone player about their day gig ..$10
[ ] Sitting behind drums on break ..$10
[ ] Quoting "Birdland" ..$25
[ ] Practicing scales during break ..$25
[ ] Practicing scales during drum solo ..$50
[ ] Practicing ..$150
[ ] Beginning a sentence with "When I was a guitar player..." ..$50
[ ] Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you are
"into sequencing" ..$100
BASIC STUPIDITY
[ ] Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt ..$10
[ ] Wearing new Whitesnaketour shirt ..$20
[ ] Asking when the rock set starts ..$20
[ ] Continually asking "where are we?" ..$25
[ ] Continually shouting "Yeah!" ..$25
[ ] Asking bone player where "1" is ..$50
[ ] Taking cell phone call during 4's ..$100
TRUMPET CITATIONS, INFRACTIONS
NAME OF OFFENDER_____________
INFRACTION DATE _____________
MUSICAL OFFENSES:
[ ] Playing highest note possible in warm- up-$100
[ ] Sound-checking micwith obnoxious jazz licks-$15
[ ] Raising hand after mistake-$15
[ ] Practicing multiple tongueingnot called for on gig-$15
[ ] Blacking out after high note-$20
[ ] Obnoxiously show-offywarm-up-$25
[ ] Taking tuning note up an octave-$25
[ ] Vibrato on unison passage-$50
[ ] Failure to use 3rd valve slide-$50
[ ] Playing B-flat when band tunes to A-$75
[ ] Being told by conductor to play louder-$400
[ ] Failure to swing-$1000
LEAD PLAYERS:
[ ] Changing mouthpieces mid-song-$15
[ ] Faking section into early entrance-$10
[ ] Faking self into early entrances-$50
[ ] Missing high lick, then mentioning previous gig(s)-$25
[ ] Asking conductor if it's OK to take a lick up-$25
[ ] Asking conductor if it's OK to take a lick down-$400
[ ] Taking a lick down that you took up in rehearsal-$100
[ ] Missing last note of "In the Mood"-$200
SECTION/NON-LEAD PLAYERS:
[ ] Missing entrance when lead drops out-$15
[ ] Pointing out to the lead that guy on the record took that last lick
up -$20
[ ] Attempting unassigned lick biffed by lead-$50
[ ] Asking lead what mouthpiece he uses-$75
[ ] Hanging over past lead on last chord-$100
[ ] Attempting to out-screech lead on last chord-$100
[ ] Successfully out-screeching lead at any time-$500
EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS:
[ ] Playing with screw on rim-$10
[ ] Polishing horn on stage-$15
[ ] Dropping mute-$10
[ ] Dropping horn-Repairs + $20
[ ] Dropping Dead-Warning
[ ] Forgetting pencil-$20
[ ] Forgetting Mute(s)-Each $50
[ ] Forgetting Bow-Tie or socks-$30
[ ] Forgetting Mouthpiece- $30
[ ] Forgetting Mags-$100
[ ] Blaming mistake on sticky valves-$25
[ ] Getting marble or similar object stuck down bell-$750
CRIMINAL BAD TASTE:
[ ] Having nicest gig-bag in section-$10
[ ] Talking about the great deal you got on a new horn-$10
[ ] Hawking old horn on Bandstand-$10
[ ] Quoting Herb Alpert or MangioneSong-$250
[ ] Farting on bandstand-$25
[ ] Defecating on bandstand-$75
[ ] Practicing legit style on swing gig- $35
[ ] Discussing how plentiful gigs were in the old days-$50
[ ] Beginning a sentence with "when I played for Kenton"-$50
[ ] Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you also
play Keyboards-$100
BASIC STUPIDITY
[ ] Wearing old MF tour shirt-$15
[ ] Wearing new MF tour shirt-$25
[ ] Playing on a Jet-tone mouthpiece-$20
[ ] Continually asking "where are we?"-$25
[ ] Drunkenness on stage-$25
[ ] Stonedness on stage-$50
[ ] Sobriety on stage-$75
[ ] Pretending to be friends with a bone player-$50
[ ] Actually being friends with a bone player-$200
[ ] Dating a bone player- $7500
[ ] Loaning money to bone player-4x amount loaned
[ ] Sitting next to conductor at meals-$100
--
www.e-woodshop.net
Last update: 10/22/08
KarlC@ (the obvious)
A college woman dated a trumpeter and when she came back to the dorm,
her roommate ask, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchre make him a great
kisser?" The first woman replied, "Aw, that dry, tight, tiny little
pucker, it was no fun at all."
The next night, she dated a tuba player and when she came back, her
roommate asked her, "Well, how was his kissing?" "Ugh!" she replied,
"Those rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat! Oh, it was just gross!"
The next night, she dated a French horn player and when she came back,
her roommate asked her, "Well, was his kissing any better?" "His kissing
was just so-so," she replied, "but I loved the way he held me!"
"Steve Turner" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
> Elrond Hubbard wrote:
>> What do you call a drummer who doesn't have a girlfriend?
>>
>> Homeless.
>>
>> ;o)
>
> Ok, so I've been playing drums for about 38 years, and that's, lessee,
> about the 17th time I've heard that joke this year, so that makes makes
> about, uh (counts on fingers)... *twenty-seven thousand times* I've heard
> that joke! :-)
>
> --
> See Nad. See Nad go. Go Nad!
> To reply, eat the taco.
> http://www.flickr.com/photos/bbqboyee/
Steve,
You've probably heard every drummer joke there is, but here's 3 more anyway.
How do you tell if the stage is level?
The drummer is drooling from both sides of his mouth
How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
He doesn't know when to come in
What does a drummer use for contraception?
His personality.
; )
diggerop, - who once tried to get into the drumming scene but my timing was
poor.
"Dave Balderstone" <dave@N_O_T_T_H_I_Sbalderstone.ca> wrote in message
news:111120091714137925%dave@N_O_T_T_H_I_Sbalderstone.ca...
> In article <[email protected]>, Joe
> <[email protected]> wrote:
>
>> Horse walks into a bar.
>> The bartender says: "Hey, buddy, what's with the long face?"
>
> Cher walks into a bar...
>
Cher walks into a bar, the horse says, "what's with the long face?"
Stuart <[email protected]> wrote in
news:[email protected]:
> In article <111120091714137925%dave@N_O_T_T_H_I_Sbalderstone.ca>,
> Dave Balderstone <dave@N_O_T_T_H_I_Sbalderstone.ca> wrote:
>> In article <[email protected]>, Joe
>> <[email protected]> wrote:
>
>> > Horse walks into a bar.
>> > The bartender says: "Hey, buddy, what's with the long face?"
>
>> Cher walks into a bar...
>
>> John Kerry walks into a bar...
>
> Blind man walks into a bar
> Ouch!
Dyslexic guy walks into a bra...
Steve Turner <[email protected]> wrote in
news:[email protected]:
>> The drummer Tom Fogerty has died. He wakes up and finds himself on a
>> stage on which a number of instruments are set up. A door offstage
>> opens and in walk Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Brian Jones, John
>> Lennon, Otis Redding, and Buddy Holly. Each musician picks up his
>> favorite instrument and begins tuning up. All of the instruments are
>> taken but, to Tom's immense pleasure, the drums. He walks up to Jimi
>> and says, "Man, so this is what heaven is like." Jimi looks at him
>> and says, "Heaven? You think this is heaven?" At that moment, Karen
>> Carpenter walks in, takes her seat behind the drums, and calls out,
>> "Okay guys, 'Close to You'. One, two, three, four..."
What do you call a drummer who doesn't have a girlfriend?
Homeless.
;o)
Just Wondering <[email protected]> wrote in
news:[email protected]:
> Swingman wrote:
>> diggerop wrote:
>>
>> From a bassist, who has spent a good part of his life standing in
>> close proximity to drummers:
>>
>> The best way to annoy a drummer? Start the gig on time.
Why did the drummer leave his sticks on the dashboard?
So he could park in the handicapped parking spot.
Larry Jaques wrote:
> On Thu, 12 Nov 2009 07:52:26 -0800, the infamous Zz Yzx
> <[email protected]> scrawled the following:
>
>>> Horse walks into a bar.
>>> The bartender says: "Hey, buddy, what's with the long face?"
>> John Kerry, Sarah Jessica Paker and Daryll Hannah walk into a bar and
>> the bartender says "So why the long faces"?
>>
>> (made that up myself)
>
> I can tell. REAL men would have been looking at their boobs. <gd&r>
>
John Kerry's?
--
Froz...
The system will be down for 10 days for preventive maintenance.
<[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
> On Wed, 11 Nov 2009 10:47:43 -0600, Tim Daneliuk
> <[email protected]> wrote:
>
>>"Stay away from those," she said. "They're for after the funeral."
>
> SEE! Now that was a good joke. Discuss something woodworking now and
> we'll all live in harmony.
>
> No attack, no recrimination.
I was driving home the other day and rear ended the car in front of me. My
fault.
We both pulled our cars off the road and got out to exchange insurance
details.
I got a real shock when he got out of his car, - he was a dwarf.
He stormed over to me, stood there with hands on his hips, looked up and
said in a very loud and angry voice, "I AM NOT HAPPY."
"Fair enough," I replied, "which one are you then?"
......... and that's when the fight started
diggerop
FrozenNorth wrote:
> Larry Jaques wrote:
>> On Thu, 12 Nov 2009 07:52:26 -0800, the infamous Zz Yzx
>> <[email protected]> scrawled the following:
>>
>>>> Horse walks into a bar.
>>>> The bartender says: "Hey, buddy, what's with the long face?"
>>> John Kerry, Sarah Jessica Paker and Daryll Hannah walk into a bar and
>>> the bartender says "So why the long faces"?
>>>
>>> (made that up myself)
>>
>> I can tell. REAL men would have been looking at their boobs. <gd&r>
>>
> John Kerry's?
>
Well, isn't John Kerry a boob?
"Larry Jaques" <novalidaddress@di\/ersify.com> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
> On Wed, 11 Nov 2009 22:47:45 GMT, the infamous "Joe" <[email protected]>
> scrawled the following:
>
>>
>>"Robatoy" <[email protected]> wrote in message
>>news:73ed831b-d80d-4046-9dbd-eb3fb405731e@z41g2000yqz.googlegroups.com...
>>On Nov 11, 5:27 pm, "Tom Dacon" <[email protected]> wrote:
>>> A lesbian, a rabbi, and a frog walk into a bar.
>>>
>>> The bartender looks up at them and says,
>>>
>>> "What is this? A joke?"
>>
>>Horse walks into a bar.
>>The bartender says: "Hey, buddy, what's with the long face?"
>>
>>A rope walks into a bar, is told that his kind isn't served there.
>>
>>Goes outside, throws himself down on the ground, rolls all over the place,
>>twists and turns gets all scractched up and is in a general state of
>>dishevelment.
>>
>>Walks back into the bar, bartender asks "aren't you that rope I just threw
>>out of here?"
>>
>>Rope says 'fraid not.
>
> You meant to write "I'm a frayed knot.", didn't you? <sigh>
>
Nope, I wrote it like I meant it and left the rest to the reader. <sigh
back>
Steve Turner wrote:
> Tim Daneliuk wrote:
>> Game ON:
>>
>> The drummer Tom Fogerty has died. He wakes up and finds himself on a
>> stage on
>> which a number of instruments are set up. A door offstage opens and
>> in walk
>> Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Brian Jones, John Lennon, Otis Redding,
>> and Buddy
>> Holly. Each musician picks up his favorite instrument and begins
>> tuning up.
>> All of the instruments are taken but, to Tom's immense pleasure, the
>> drums.
>> He walks up to Jimi and says, "Man, so this is what heaven is like."
>> Jimi
>> looks at him and says, "Heaven? You think this is heaven?" At that
>> moment,
>> Karen Carpenter walks in, takes her seat behind the drums, and calls out,
>> "Okay guys, 'Close to You'. One, two, three, four..."
>
> Well I don't wanna ruin a good joke, but Karen Carpenter could PLAY the
> friggin' drums now! Check it out:
>
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9IagAg7u5M
>
> I've been playing for 35 years, and I couldn't do half the stuff she's
> doing in this video.
>
Yeah, but can you play "Close To You"?????
--
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tim Daneliuk [email protected]
PGP Key: http://www.tundraware.com/PGP/
Elrond Hubbard wrote:
> Steve Turner <[email protected]> wrote in
> news:[email protected]:
>
>>> The drummer Tom Fogerty has died. He wakes up and finds himself on a
>>> stage on which a number of instruments are set up. A door offstage
>>> opens and in walk Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Brian Jones, John
>>> Lennon, Otis Redding, and Buddy Holly. Each musician picks up his
>>> favorite instrument and begins tuning up. All of the instruments are
>>> taken but, to Tom's immense pleasure, the drums. He walks up to Jimi
>>> and says, "Man, so this is what heaven is like." Jimi looks at him
>>> and says, "Heaven? You think this is heaven?" At that moment, Karen
>>> Carpenter walks in, takes her seat behind the drums, and calls out,
>>> "Okay guys, 'Close to You'. One, two, three, four..."
>
> What do you call a drummer who doesn't have a girlfriend?
>
> Homeless.
>
> ;o)
What does it mean when there is drool running out of both sides
of the drummer's mouth?
The stage is level.
---
How do you get a guitarist to play quieter?
Put sheet music in front of them.
---
What do you call someone that hangs out with musicians?
A vocalist.
---
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?
A flat miner.
---
How do you get two horns to play in unison?
Break one of them.
--
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tim Daneliuk [email protected]
PGP Key: http://www.tundraware.com/PGP/
Swingman wrote:
> diggerop wrote:
>
> From a bassist, who has spent a good part of his life standing in close proximity to drummers:
>
> The best way to annoy a drummer? Start the gig on time.
>
An explorer was traveling through deepest, darkest Africa with a native
guide. Off in the distance he heard drums pounding. The explorer was
visibly worried, so his guide told him, Theres nothing to worry about.
When the drums stop, then it's time to worry." Gradually the drums
got louder, then all of a sudden, they stopped. With a trembling voice,
the explorer asked his guide what would happen next. With a trembling
voice, the guide answered, "bass solo".
"Swingman" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
> Gig Rules, Infractions and Fines
> DRUMMER OFFENSES
>
> NAME OF DRUMMER: __________________________________
> DRUMMERS REAL NAME: _______________________________
> (other than "sticks", "backbeat", "snake", "drowned-out" ... etc.)
>
> DATE OF OFFENSE(S): _____ / _____ / _______
>
> Setup / Equipment Offenses:
> [ ] Brings a 36" bass drum ..$25.
> [ ] Has more than one bass drum. ..$100.
> [ ] Brings a 10" deep snare (for a solid back beat)..$50.
> [ ] Brings more than 2 mounted toms ..$25.
> [ ] Has a tubular chrome bar that holds all his mounted toms ..$50.
> [ ] Brings more than one floor tom .$25.
> [ ] Brings more than one crash cymbal ..$25.
> [ ] Doesn't bring a ride cymbal..$250.
> [ ] Brings a 46" Chinese gong (for big endings)..$75.
> [ ] Brings two timpani (for really big endings)..$100.
> [ ] Doesn't bring any brushes..$300.
> [ ] Has a hi-hat that is welded shut..$250.
> [ ] Asks leader where he can plug in his headphones..$200.
> [ ] Wears old black Nike sneakers on tux gig..$50.
> [ ] Tunes snare drum during the benediction..$175.
>
> Playing Offenses:
> [ ] Plays eighth note rock ballad style on "Stardust"..$150.
> [ ] Pretends to read chart with big band..$25.
> [ ] Actually reads drum part for big band (note for note)..$200.
> [ ] Asks bass player "Where are we?" on "Happy Birthday"..$100.
> [ ] Plays disco beat on "A Train"..$200.
> [ ] Takes fours on "The Bride Cuts the Cake"..$100.
> [ ] Takes a break when the leader says "A request for Take 5"..$25.
> [ ] Actually tries to play on "Take 5"..$150.
> [ ] Asks leader what brushes are..$250.
> [ ] Plays breaks in "Cute" with sticks..$50.
> [ ] Plays breaks in "Cute" on timpani..$100.
> [ ] Plays breaks in "Cute" on Chinese gong..$250.
> [ ] Juggling drumsticks during song ..$250.
> [ ] Losing time while juggling drumsticks ..$350.
> [ ] Failure to catch juggled drumsticks ..$500.
> [ ] Stop playing to pick up dropped drumstick(s) ..$1250.
> Other Miscellaneous Offenses:
> [ ] Mentions to host that "DJs are the wave of the future..$100.
> [ ] Is first in line at the party's buffet..$50.
> [ ] Asks where the "take-out bags" are at the buffet line..$100.
> [ ] Asks the bartender for 3 "Purple Shooters"..$50.
> [ ] Says to the bride "You've got a nice set of hooters"..$25.
> [ ] Says to the brides mother "Hey this is a f#%*in' good party"..$150.
> [ ] Is ten minutes late for the next set..$25.
> [ ] Is twenty minutes late for the next set..$10.
> [ ] Never shows up for the next set..$1.
>
> BASS OFFENSES
> NAME OF OFFENDER (Bass Player)_______________________
> INFRACTION DATE___________________________
>
> MUSICAL OFFENSES
> [ ] Playing loudly during warm up ..$10
> [ ] Sound-checking amp with funk slapping ..$25
> [ ] Loud cursing after mistake ..$10
> [ ] Playing high and fast after mistake ..$20
> [ ] Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes ..$20
> [ ] Asking for "E" tuning note ..$25
> [ ] Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb ..$50
> [ ] Playing written-out walking line ..$50
> [ ] Failure to play written walking line ..$75
> [ ] Writing note names over ledger-line notes ..$50
> [ ] Writing beat numbers under dotted figures ..$50
> [ ] Playing eighth notes ..$5 each
> [ ] Playing sixteenth notes ..$10 each
> [ ] Playing above 1st octave .. immediate dismissal
> [ ] Dragging fast tempo ..$75
> [ ] Dragging ballad tempo ..$100
> [ ] Blacking out during ballad ..$200
> [ ] Ignoring drummer's tempo ..$100
> [ ] Following drummer's tempo ..$250
> [ ] Asking to borrow Real Book for "All Of Me" ..$1000
>
> UPRIGHT PLAYERS
> [ ] Showing up before first downbeat ..$25
> [ ] Playing audibly ..$25
> [ ] Faking changes ..$25
> [ ] Slapping ..$150
> [ ] Missing tuttilick, then mentioning vintage of bass ..$25
> [ ] Excessive sweating ..$25
> [ ] Pedal point double-stops during horn solo ..$50
> [ ] Asking leader for a solo ..$30
> [ ] Accepting solo when offered ..$50
> [ ] Taking second chorus ..$100
> [ ] Playing solo arco..$400
> [ ] Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune ..$100
> [ ] Playing "A Train" ending on every tune ..$200
> [ ] Playing extended "A Train" ending on every tune ..$500
>
> ELECTRIC PLAYERS
> [ ] Checking hair between tunes ..$15
> [ ] Experimenting with odd meters ..$25
> [ ] Missing root at end of blistering fill ..$25
> [ ] Playing with a pick ..$50
> [ ] Tuning during ballad ..$30
> [ ] Playing Jacogroove on samba ..$75
> [ ] Playing Jacosamba groove on ballad ..$150
> [ ] Attempting last word on final chord ..$50
> [ ] Achieving last word on final chord ..$100
> [ ] Long glissdown to final note ..$200
>
> EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS - ELECTRIC
> [ ] Forgetting strap ..$10
> [ ] Changing strings after every set ..$15
> [ ] Using electric tuner ..$15
> [ ] Setting up mic"just in case" ..$75
> [ ] Forgetting to turn amp on ..$40
> [ ] Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip ..$50
> [ ] Asking horn player for help moving amp ..$25
> [ ] Bringing custom-made bass ..$100 per string above 4
> [ ] Bringing more than 1 bass ..$100 per extra bass
> [ ] Skull decals on bass ..$150
> [ ] Bringing fretless bass ..$500
> CRIMINAL BAD TASTE
> [ ] Telling bone player about all the gigs you get ..$10
> [ ] Asking bone player about their day gig ..$10
> [ ] Sitting behind drums on break ..$10
> [ ] Quoting "Birdland" ..$25
> [ ] Practicing scales during break ..$25
> [ ] Practicing scales during drum solo ..$50
> [ ] Practicing ..$150
> [ ] Beginning a sentence with "When I was a guitar player..." ..$50
> [ ] Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you are
> "into sequencing" ..$100
>
> BASIC STUPIDITY
> [ ] Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt ..$10
> [ ] Wearing new Whitesnaketour shirt ..$20
> [ ] Asking when the rock set starts ..$20
> [ ] Continually asking "where are we?" ..$25
> [ ] Continually shouting "Yeah!" ..$25
> [ ] Asking bone player where "1" is ..$50
> [ ] Taking cell phone call during 4's ..$100
>
> TRUMPET CITATIONS, INFRACTIONS
> NAME OF OFFENDER_____________
> INFRACTION DATE _____________
>
> MUSICAL OFFENSES:
> [ ] Playing highest note possible in warm- up-$100
> [ ] Sound-checking micwith obnoxious jazz licks-$15
> [ ] Raising hand after mistake-$15
> [ ] Practicing multiple tongueingnot called for on gig-$15
> [ ] Blacking out after high note-$20
> [ ] Obnoxiously show-offywarm-up-$25
> [ ] Taking tuning note up an octave-$25
> [ ] Vibrato on unison passage-$50
> [ ] Failure to use 3rd valve slide-$50
> [ ] Playing B-flat when band tunes to A-$75
> [ ] Being told by conductor to play louder-$400
> [ ] Failure to swing-$1000
>
> LEAD PLAYERS:
> [ ] Changing mouthpieces mid-song-$15
> [ ] Faking section into early entrance-$10
> [ ] Faking self into early entrances-$50
> [ ] Missing high lick, then mentioning previous gig(s)-$25
> [ ] Asking conductor if it's OK to take a lick up-$25
> [ ] Asking conductor if it's OK to take a lick down-$400
> [ ] Taking a lick down that you took up in rehearsal-$100
> [ ] Missing last note of "In the Mood"-$200
>
> SECTION/NON-LEAD PLAYERS:
> [ ] Missing entrance when lead drops out-$15
> [ ] Pointing out to the lead that guy on the record took that last lick
> up -$20
> [ ] Attempting unassigned lick biffed by lead-$50
> [ ] Asking lead what mouthpiece he uses-$75
> [ ] Hanging over past lead on last chord-$100
> [ ] Attempting to out-screech lead on last chord-$100
> [ ] Successfully out-screeching lead at any time-$500
>
> EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS:
> [ ] Playing with screw on rim-$10
> [ ] Polishing horn on stage-$15
> [ ] Dropping mute-$10
> [ ] Dropping horn-Repairs + $20
> [ ] Dropping Dead-Warning
> [ ] Forgetting pencil-$20
> [ ] Forgetting Mute(s)-Each $50
> [ ] Forgetting Bow-Tie or socks-$30
> [ ] Forgetting Mouthpiece- $30
> [ ] Forgetting Mags-$100
> [ ] Blaming mistake on sticky valves-$25
> [ ] Getting marble or similar object stuck down bell-$750
>
> CRIMINAL BAD TASTE:
> [ ] Having nicest gig-bag in section-$10
> [ ] Talking about the great deal you got on a new horn-$10
> [ ] Hawking old horn on Bandstand-$10
> [ ] Quoting Herb Alpert or MangioneSong-$250
> [ ] Farting on bandstand-$25
> [ ] Defecating on bandstand-$75
> [ ] Practicing legit style on swing gig- $35
> [ ] Discussing how plentiful gigs were in the old days-$50
> [ ] Beginning a sentence with "when I played for Kenton"-$50
> [ ] Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you also
> play Keyboards-$100
>
> BASIC STUPIDITY
> [ ] Wearing old MF tour shirt-$15
> [ ] Wearing new MF tour shirt-$25
> [ ] Playing on a Jet-tone mouthpiece-$20
> [ ] Continually asking "where are we?"-$25
> [ ] Drunkenness on stage-$25
> [ ] Stonedness on stage-$50
> [ ] Sobriety on stage-$75
> [ ] Pretending to be friends with a bone player-$50
> [ ] Actually being friends with a bone player-$200
> [ ] Dating a bone player- $7500
> [ ] Loaning money to bone player-4x amount loaned
> [ ] Sitting next to conductor at meals-$100
>
> --
> www.e-woodshop.net
> Last update: 10/22/08
> KarlC@ (the obvious)
Heh. Love it!
Will take a copy if you don't mind.
Reminds me about one drummer we had who was brilliant, particularly his ad
lib playing, however, his recreational passtimes were beginning to show in
the end. Timing was always perfect when he was playing, except that once in
a while his mind would wander off and he would forget to play at all.
We made a sign for him that went along the lines of "In the event of the
drummers death, would the drummer please be kind enough to lay himself on
the floor in a horizontal position, so the rest of the band members can
easily tell the difference."
It's a really weird world, - we even had some people tell us that they liked
the fact that we did things differently and it was a nice change from same
old same old. We, of course assured them that it was something that took a
while to develop but after much practice, we had made it part of our
style. - As you do when you have no options. : )
diggerop
On Nov 11, 3:02=A0pm, jo4hn <[email protected]> wrote:
> [email protected] wrote:
> > On Wed, 11 Nov 2009 10:47:43 -0600, Tim Daneliuk
> > <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> >> "Stay away from those," she said. "They're for after the funeral."
>
> > SEE! Now that was a good joke. Discuss something woodworking now and
> > we'll all live in harmony.
>
> > No attack, no recrimination.
>
> An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar.
>
> The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.
>
> "Y'know," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. =A0Why,
> in Glasgow there's a wee bar called MacTavish's. =A0Now, the landlord
> there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4
> drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you."
>
> "Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman
> there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."
>
> "Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's
> O'Driscoll's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy
> you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've
> had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid.
> =A0 All on the house."
>
> "Really?" said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
>
> "Not me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen
> to me sister.
+1!
Dave Balderstone wrote:
> In article <[email protected]>, Stuart
> <[email protected]> wrote:
>
>> In article <111120091714137925%dave@N_O_T_T_H_I_Sbalderstone.ca>,
>> Dave Balderstone <dave@N_O_T_T_H_I_Sbalderstone.ca> wrote:
>>> In article <[email protected]>, Joe
>>> <[email protected]> wrote:
>>>> Horse walks into a bar.
>>>> The bartender says: "Hey, buddy, what's with the long face?"
>>> Cher walks into a bar...
>>> John Kerry walks into a bar...
>> Blind man walks into a bar
>> Ouch!
>
> There's a fellow at work who is QUITE tall. One room where old files
> are stored has a pipe running across it at about 6'4".
>
> Somebody taped a sign to it that says in BIG letters: "Roy, DUCK!"
He's afraid of ducks?
--
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tim Daneliuk [email protected]
PGP Key: http://www.tundraware.com/PGP/
Tim Daneliuk wrote:
> Game ON:
>
> The drummer Tom Fogerty has died. He wakes up and finds himself on a stage on
> which a number of instruments are set up. A door offstage opens and in walk
> Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Brian Jones, John Lennon, Otis Redding, and Buddy
> Holly. Each musician picks up his favorite instrument and begins tuning up.
> All of the instruments are taken but, to Tom's immense pleasure, the drums.
> He walks up to Jimi and says, "Man, so this is what heaven is like." Jimi
> looks at him and says, "Heaven? You think this is heaven?" At that moment,
> Karen Carpenter walks in, takes her seat behind the drums, and calls out,
> "Okay guys, 'Close to You'. One, two, three, four..."
Well I don't wanna ruin a good joke, but Karen Carpenter could PLAY the
friggin' drums now! Check it out:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9IagAg7u5M
I've been playing for 35 years, and I couldn't do half the stuff she's
doing in this video.
--
See Nad. See Nad go. Go Nad!
To reply, eat the taco.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/bbqboyee/
Zz Yzx wrote:
> It's Saint Paddy's Day at an Irish Pub in Boston. About 2 in the
> afternoon, 3 irishmen walk out of the bar into the bright sunshine.
>
> (end of joke)
>
>
> HEY! It COULD happen.
>
> -Zz
Yeah, if the bar ran out of liquor!
--
"Our beer goes through thousands of quality Czechs every day."
(From a Shiner Bock billboard I saw in Austin some years ago)
To reply, eat the taco.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/bbqboyee/
"Steve Turner" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
> Tim Daneliuk wrote:
>> Game ON:
>>
>> The drummer Tom Fogerty has died. He wakes up and finds himself on a
>> stage on
>> which a number of instruments are set up. A door offstage opens and in
>> walk
>> Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Brian Jones, John Lennon, Otis Redding, and
>> Buddy
>> Holly. Each musician picks up his favorite instrument and begins tuning
>> up.
>> All of the instruments are taken but, to Tom's immense pleasure, the
>> drums.
>> He walks up to Jimi and says, "Man, so this is what heaven is like."
>> Jimi
>> looks at him and says, "Heaven? You think this is heaven?" At that
>> moment,
>> Karen Carpenter walks in, takes her seat behind the drums, and calls out,
>> "Okay guys, 'Close to You'. One, two, three, four..."
>
> Well I don't wanna ruin a good joke, but Karen Carpenter could PLAY the
> friggin' drums now! Check it out:
>
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9IagAg7u5M
>
> I've been playing for 35 years, and I couldn't do half the stuff she's
> doing in this video.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How 'bout them bell bottoms. I not only owned a pair of pants like that, I
wore them!
Elrond Hubbard wrote:
> What do you call a drummer who doesn't have a girlfriend?
>
> Homeless.
>
> ;o)
Ok, so I've been playing drums for about 38 years, and that's, lessee,
about the 17th time I've heard that joke this year, so that makes makes
about, uh (counts on fingers)... *twenty-seven thousand times* I've
heard that joke! :-)
--
See Nad. See Nad go. Go Nad!
To reply, eat the taco.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/bbqboyee/
"Tim Daneliuk" <> wrote in message
>I thought this was worth breaking my habit of not starting
>OT threads.
> YMMV:
>
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant
that can store and play music. The " iTit " will cost from
$499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is
considered a major social breakthrough, because women are
always complaining about men staring at their breasts and
not listening to them.
On Thu, 12 Nov 2009 07:52:26 -0800, the infamous Zz Yzx
<[email protected]> scrawled the following:
>>Horse walks into a bar.
>>The bartender says: "Hey, buddy, what's with the long face?"
>
>John Kerry, Sarah Jessica Paker and Daryll Hannah walk into a bar and
>the bartender says "So why the long faces"?
>
>(made that up myself)
I can tell. REAL men would have been looking at their boobs. <gd&r>
--
You know, in about 40 years, we'll have literally thousands of
OLD LADIES running around with TATTOOS, and Rap Music will be
the Golden Oldies. Now that's SCARY! --Maxine
"Robatoy" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:73ed831b-d80d-4046-9dbd-eb3fb405731e@z41g2000yqz.googlegroups.com...
On Nov 11, 5:27 pm, "Tom Dacon" <[email protected]> wrote:
> A lesbian, a rabbi, and a frog walk into a bar.
>
> The bartender looks up at them and says,
>
> "What is this? A joke?"
Horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hey, buddy, what's with the long face?"
A rope walks into a bar, is told that his kind isn't served there.
Goes outside, throws himself down on the ground, rolls all over the place,
twists and turns gets all scractched up and is in a general state of
dishevelment.
Walks back into the bar, bartender asks "aren't you that rope I just threw
out of here?"
Rope says 'fraid not.
On Thu, 12 Nov 2009 10:05:40 -0600, Swingman <[email protected]> wrote:
>diggerop wrote:
>
>> What does a drummer use for contraception?
>> His personality.
>
> From a bassist, who has spent a good part of his life standing in close
>proximity to drummers:
>
>The best way to annoy a drummer?
>Start the gig on time.
Q - What do you throw to a drowing bass player?
A - His amp.
Tim Douglass
http://www.DouglassClan.com
"I'm not exactly burned out, but I'm a little bit scorched and there's some smoke damage."
On Thu, 12 Nov 2009 06:59:02 +0800, "diggerop" <toobusy@themoment>
wrote:
>I was driving home the other day and rear ended the car in front of me. My
>fault.
>We both pulled our cars off the road and got out to exchange insurance
>details.
>I got a real shock when he got out of his car, - he was a dwarf.
>He stormed over to me, stood there with hands on his hips, looked up and
>said in a very loud and angry voice, "I AM NOT HAPPY."
>"Fair enough," I replied, "which one are you then?"
>......... and that's when the fight started
Damn you diggerop. You get your nasty butt over to my place right now
and clean off my monitor. :)
"Robatoy" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:607108d4-94b3-4bfd-b84d-20fadddcee47@s31g2000yqs.googlegroups.com...
On Nov 11, 12:11 pm, [email protected] wrote:
> On Wed, 11 Nov 2009 10:47:43 -0600, Tim Daneliuk
>
> <[email protected]> wrote:
> >"Stay away from those," she said. "They're for after the funeral."
>
> SEE! Now that was a good joke. Discuss something woodworking now and
> we'll all live in harmony.
>
> No attack, no recrimination.
A classic:
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but
think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland"
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am"
The first guy says, "So am I and where about from Ireland might you
be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I.
And what street did you live on in Dublin ?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary
Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & begora it's a small world, so did I.! So
did I.
And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me,
what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!
I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar
tonight.
Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a
beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters,
"It's going to be a long night tonight".
Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"
"The Murphy twins are drunk again."
--------------
Three points for that one : )