Karima Slack Razi

Karima Slack Razi



I took the Shahadah on September 20, 1991. If you had told me 5 years
prior that I would embrace Islam, I never would havebelieved you. In
retrospect, Allah's guidance was so subtle yet consistent, thatnow I
see my whole life as leading up to that moment. It is difficult
toencapsulate the exact factors that brought me to Islam because it
was a journey, a process, that lasted three years. Those three years
were both exhilarating andexhausting. My perceptions of myself and the
world changed dramatically. Somebeliefs were validated; others,
shattered. At times I feared I would losemyself; at other times I knew
that this path wasthe right choice and embraced it. Throughout those
years, a series of aspects of Islam intrigued me. Slowly andgradually,
my studies led me towards the day when I took the declaration offaith,
the shahadah.

Prior to my introduction to Islam, I knewthat I yearned for more
spiritual fulfillment in my life. But, as yet, nothinghad seemed
acceptable or accessible to me. I had been brought up essentially
asecular humanist. Morals were emphasized, but never attributed to any
spiritualor divine being. The predominant religion of our country,
Christianity, seemedto burden a person with too much guilt. I was not
really familiar with any otherreligions. I wish I could say that,
sensing my spiritual void, I embarked on aspiritual quest and studied
various religions in depth. However, I was toocomfortable with my life
for that. I come from a loving and supportive family. Ihad many
interesting and supportive friends. I thoroughly enjoyed my
universitystudies and I was successful at the university. Instead, it
was the "chance" meeting of various Muslims that instigated my study
of Islam.

Sharif was one of the first Muslims whointrigued me. He was an elderly
man who worked in a tutorial program foraffirmative action that I had
just entered. He explained that while his jobbrought little monetary
reward, the pleasure he gained from teaching studentsbrought him all
the reward he needed. He spoke softly and genuinely. Hisdemeanor more
than his words caught me, and I thought, "I hope I have his peaceof
spirit when I reach his age." That was in 1987.

As I met more Muslims, I was struck not onlyby their inner peace, but
by the strength of their faith. These gentle soulscontrasted with the
violent, sexist image I had of Islam. Then I met Imran, aMuslim friend
of my brother's who I soon realized was the type of man I wouldlike to
marry. He was intelligent, sincere, independent, and at peace
withhimself. When we both agreed that there was potential for
marriage, I began myserious studies of Islam. Initially, I had no
intention of becoming Muslim; Ionly desired to understand his religion
because he had made it clear that hewould want to raise his children
as Muslims. My response was: "If they will turnout as sincere,
peaceful and kind as he is, then I have no problem with it. ButI do
feel obligated to understand Islam better first."

In retrospect, I realize that I wasattracted to these peaceful souls
because I sensed my own lack of inner peaceand conviction. There was
an inner void that was not completely satisfied withacademic success
or human relationships. However, at that point I would neverhave
stated that I was attracted to Islam for myself. Rather, I viewed it
as anintellectual pursuit. This perception was compatible with my
controlled, academic lifestyle.

Since I called myself a feminist, my earlyreading centered around
women in Islam. I thought Islam oppressed women. In myWomens Studies
courses I had read about Muslim women who were not allowed toleave
their homes and were forced to cover their heads. Of course I saw
hijab asan oppressive tool imposed by men rather than as an expression
of self-respectand dignity. What I discovered in my readings surprised
me. Islam not only doesnot oppress women, but actually liberates them,
having given them rights in the 6th century that we have only gained
in this century in this country: the rightto own property and wealth
and to maintain that in her name after marriage; theright to vote; and
the right to divorce.

This realization was not easy in coming....Iresisted it every step of
the way. But there were always answers to myquestions. Why is there
polygamy? It is only allowed if the man can treat allfour equally and
even then it is discouraged. However, it does allow for thosetimes in
history when there are more women than men, especially in times of
war, so that some women are not deprived of having a relationship and
children. Furthermore, it is far superior to the mistress relationship
so prevalent heresince the woman has a legal right to support should
she have a child. This wasonly one of many questions, the answers to
which eventually proved to me thatwomen in Islam are given full rights
as individuals insociety.

However, these discoveries did not allay allmy fears. The following
year was one of intense emotional turmoil. Havingfinished up my
courses for my masters in Latin American Studies in the spring of
1989, I decided to take a year to substitute teach. This enabled me to
spend alot of time studying Islam. Many things I was reading about
Islam made sense. However, they didn't fit into my perception of the
world. I had always perceivedof religion as a crutch. But could it be
that it was the truth? Didn't religionscause much of the oppression
and wars in the world? How then could I beconsidering marrying a man
who followed one of the world's major religions? Every week I was hit
with a fresh story on the news, the radio or the newspaperabout the
oppression of Muslim women. Could I, a feminist, really be
consideringmarrying into that society? Eyebrows were raised. People
talked about me inworried tones behind my back. In a matter of months,
my secure world of 24 yearswas turned upside down. I no longer felt
that I knew what was right or wrong. What was black and white, was now
all gray.

But something kept me going. And it was morethan my desire to marry
Imran. At any moment I could have walked away from mystudies of Islam
and been accepted back into a circle of feminist, socialistfriends and
into the loving arms of my family. While these people never
desertedme, they haunted me with their influence. I worried about what
they would say orthink, particularly since I had always judged myself
through the eyes of others. So I secluded myself. I talked only with
my family and friends that I knewwouldn't judge me. And I read.

It was no longer an interested, disinterested study of Islam. It was a
struggle for my own identity. Up to thattime I hadproduced many
successful term papers. I knew how to research and tosupport a thesis.
But my character had never been at stake. For the first time, I
realized that I had always written to please others. Now, I was
studying formy own spirit. It was scary. Although I knew my friends
and family loved me, they couldn't give me the answers. I no longer
wanted to lean on their support. Imran was always there to answer my
questions. While I admired his patience andhis faith that all would
turn out for the best, I didn't want to lean tooheavily on him out of
my own fear that I might just be doing this for a man andnot for
myself. I felt I had nothing and no one to lean on. Alone,
frightenedand filled with self-doubt, I continued to read.

After I had satisfied my curiosity aboutwomen in Islam and been
surprised by the results, I began to read about the lifeof the Prophet
Muhammad and to read the Qu'ran itself. As I read about theProphet
Muhammad (PBUH), I began to question my initial belief that he
wasmerely an exceptional leader. His honesty prior to any revelations,
hiskindness, his sagacity, his insights into his present as well as
the future--allmade me question my initial premise. His persistence in
adversity and, later, his humility in the face of astounding success
seemed to belie human nature. Even at the height of his success when
he could have enjoyed tremendous wealth, he refused to have more than
his poorest companions in Islam.

Slowly I was getting deeper and deeper intothe Qu'ran. I asked, "Could
a human being be capable of such a subtle, far-reaching book?"
Furthermore, there are parts that are meant to guide theProphet
himself, as well as Admonishes him. I wondered if the Prophet would
haveAdmonishesed himself.

As I slowly made my way through the Qu'ran, it became less and less an
intellectual activity, and more and more a personalstruggle. There
were days when I would reject every word--find a way to condemnit, not
allow it to be true. But then I would suddenly happen upon a phrase
thatspoke directly to me. This first happened when I was beginning to
experience alot of inner turmoil and doubt and I read some verses
towards the end of thesecond chapter: "Allah does not burden any human
being with more than he is wellable to bear" (2:286). Although I would
not have stated that I believed in Allahat that time, when I read
these words it was as if a burden was lifted from myheart.

I continued to have many fears as I studiedIslam. Would I still be
close to my family if I became a Muslim? Would I end upin an
oppressive marriage? Would I still be "open-minded?" I believed
secularhumanism to be the most open-minded approach to life. Slowly I
began to realizethat secular humanism is as much an ideology, a dogma,
as Islam. I realized thateveryone had their ideology and I must
consciously choose mine. I realized thatI had to have trust in my own
intellect and make my own decisions--that I shouldnot be swayed by the
negative reactions of my "open-minded," "progressive" friends. During
this time, as I started keeping more to myself, I was
becomingintellectually freer than any time in my life.

Two and a half years later, I had finishedthe Qu'ran, been delighted
by its de******ions of nature and often reassured byits wisdom. I had
learned about the extraordinary life of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH); I had
been satisfied by the realization that Islam understands that menand
women are different but equal; and I discovered that Islam gave
trueequality not only to men and women, but to all races and social
classes, judgingonly by one's level of piety. And I had gained
confidence in myself and my owndecisions. It was then that I came to
the final, critical question: Do I believein one God? This is the
basis of being a Muslim. Having satisfied my curiosityabout the rules
and historical emergence of Islam, I finally came to thiscritical
question, the essence of being Muslim. It was as if I had
gonebackwards: starting with the details before I finally reached the
spiritualquestion. I had to wade through the technicalities and
satisfy my academic sidebefore I could finally address the spiritual
question. Did I.... Could I placemy trust in a greater being? Could I
relinquish my secular humanist approach tolife?

Twice I decided to take the shahadah andthen changed my mind the next
day. One afternoon, I even knelt down and touchedmy forehead to the
floor, as I had often seen Muslims do, and asked forguidance. I felt
such peace in that position. Perhaps in that moment I was aMuslim a
heart, but when I stood up, my mind was not ready to officially
takethe shahadah.

After that moment a few more weeks passed. Ibegan my new job: teaching
high school. The days began to pass very quickly, aflurry of teaching,
discipline and papers to correct. As my days began to passso fast, it
struck me that I did not want to pass from this world without
havingdeclared my faith in Allah. Intellectually, I understood that
the evidencepresent in the Prophet Muhammad's (PBUH) life and in the
Qu'ran was toocompelling to deny. And, at that moment, I was also
ready in my heart for Islam. I had spent my life longing for a truth
in which heart would be compatible withmind, action with thought,
intellect with emotion. I found that reality inIslam. With that
reality came true self-confidence and intellectual freedom. Afew days
after I took the shahadah , I wrote in my journal that finally I
havefound in Islam the validation of my inner thoughts and intuition.
Byacknowledging and accepting Allah, I have found the door to
spiritual andintellectual freedom.

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