OT A funny, hope it hasn't been posted before.

Hey Jim, you don't mind if I send this to the Gene Pool Cleansing Committee,
do you? 8-)

Bob

"Jim" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
> Hi ya'll. A good friend of mine sent me this, You decide.
>
> Dear Friends,
>
> Most Texas women are fond of saying that their husbands last words on
> this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold
> my beer and remote, watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once
> again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime
> movie in the near future. Here goes.
>
> Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and
> Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note:Keep in mind that my "fancy" is
> easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Renee. The
> occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little
> something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a
> 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of
> you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal
> stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant
> with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee
> to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no
> long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate
> time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb.
> tattooed assailant, push the button, and i! t will render him a
> slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck
> geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're
> truly missing out--way too cool!
>
> Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
> home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn
> thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so
> disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't
> need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my
> chagrin that this particular model would not create an
> arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love
> fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the
> button, however, and pressed it against a metal
> surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity
> darting back and forth between the prongs that I was
> so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a
> blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!
> Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your
> information, but I have yet to explain to Renee what
> that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
>
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking
> to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only
> two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat
> Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the
> directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really
> needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit
> I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought
> better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was
> going to give this thing to Renee to protect herself against a mugger,
> I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I
> wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time.
>
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
> with my reading glasses perched delicately on the
> bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer
> in another. The directions said that a one-second
> burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a
> two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
> and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
> would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground
> like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at
> this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than
> 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and
> loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries)
> thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin'
> way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
>
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but
> I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have
> got a pretty g! ood idea of what followed. I'm
> sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head
> cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy,"
> reasoning that a one-second burst from such a
> tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational
> thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to
> give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You
> know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so
> obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it
> seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)
>
> I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the
> button, and HOLY **************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm
> pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the
> front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then
> body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I
> vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
> position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
> found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my
> body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over
> me making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
> licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do
> it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel
> compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of
> caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst
> when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of
> that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by ! a violent
> thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't
> dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)
> SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as
> time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what
> little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading
> glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there???
> My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face
> felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed
> 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.
>
> By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they
> ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather
> large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so
> myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.
>

Jim writes:

>Hi ya'll. A good friend of mine sent me this, You decide…
>
>Dear Friends,
>
>Most Texas women are fond of saying that their husbands last words on
> this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold
> my beer and remote, watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once
>again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime
>movie in the near future. Here goes.

Ah. That didn't hurt as much as the experiment, but...almost screen cleaning
time anyway.

Is it something in the air in Texas that no one will believe others'
experimentation?
Charlie Self
"Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen." Ambrose Bierce, The
Devil's Dictionary

We'll call them Moe and Curly

Moe and Curly have been drinking buddies since high school.
Now in their mid thirties and both DIY home owners and
family men they often gave each other a hand with auto
and home repair. An extra set of hands is often needed
and another persepective of a particular problem can
be helpful.

Well Moe's septic tank had been giving him grief on
and off for years. Curly, always one to keep up with
the latest technology and DIYer tips suggested The
Dynamite Solution. The idea was pretty straight
foreward. "Scale" build up in the tank and leach
lines could be concussively dislodged by a mere
quarter of a stick of dynamite.

Conveniently, Curly knew a farmer who had some
dynamite for removing tree roots and pesky
boulders. Took him a few weeks to hook up with
the farmer. "Hell, just take a stick and some fuse.
Cut off whatever you want to use."

Curly arrived at Moe's late Saturday morning,
dynamite and fuse in hand, ready to "fix that
sucker for at least a year."

Moe had spent the morning working on his truck
- and drinking a beer or two. Wanting to get to
the real fun, Curly pitched in on the truck repair,
downing two or three brews in an attempt to
catch up with Moe. The truck work took a little
longer than expected and of course, that meant
MORE BEER.

It was mid afternoon, and being an unusually
hot one for that time of year, they'd been
carefully hydrating themselves with more
Tall COOOL Ones - having now downed about
half a case each.

By the time they got around to the septic tank
rational thinking was disappearing over yonder
mountains and The Kid With The Fireworks
was about to run amuck.

"Ya know - if a quarter stick will fix things
for a year or two - well a half stick should
be good for at least another two or three years."
And they had another beer or two discussing
the idea , each thinking "This is going to be
SO COOL!".

By the time they got around to lighting the
fuse, and a few more beers, it was a whole
stick they'd gone with.

Moe held the stick over the septic tank
pump out hole while Curly lit the fuse.
They were giggling like grade schoolers
as they ran to hide behind a tree "a safe
distance away". Fingers in their ears,
they grinned at each other like idiots
while waiting for the ground to shake
which it did.

In the midst of their High Fives and back
slapping Moe's wife appeared and she
looked less than happy. Grabbing Moe
by the ear, she led him cussing and
swearing into the house, down the hall
and into the bathroom She was obviously
not pleased with the sudden, unforseen
bathroom remodel that had just occured.
Clearly she did not like the new color,
new wall texturing or the new ambiance.

Curly of course had beaten a hasty
retreat as soon as he saw Moe's wife
come out the door and went into
seclusion for the rest of the week end.
There are limits to friendship.

There are two morals to this story.
First - like alcohol and gasoline,
alcohol and dynamite should never be
combined. Second - More is not always
better.

So when your buddy Curly says "I've
got a great way to fix that!" and his
idea involves explosive ...

charlie b

Jim,
Definitely something, 'Darwinian', in this.

Typically, to 'qualify' the tale is told posthumously. The reasoning being
that there will be no further additions, of this line, to the Pool. However,
if 'they' can't be found - a petition to the Committee should have some
merit.

Regards and GOOD LUCK,
Ron Magen
Backyard Boatshop
{PS - added this one to the 'file', as well}

"Jim" wrote ...
> "Bob Schmall" wrote:
> >Hey Jim, you don't mind if I send this to the Gene Pool Cleansing
Committee,
> >do you? 8-)
> This one was almost as good as the fireworks one that was on this group a
year
> or two ago. I loved that one.
SNIP

Ron Magen wrote:
> Jim,
> Definitely something, 'Darwinian', in this.
>
> Typically, to 'qualify' the tale is told posthumously. The reasoning being
> that there will be no further additions, of this line, to the Pool. However,
> if 'they' can't be found - a petition to the Committee should have some
> merit.
<snip>

IIRC, one can also be eligible if one loses the capacity to reproduce,
such as via testicle removal.

Glen

Glen,
'they' are the 'THEY' I was referring to {note Jim's last paragraph}

----- Original Message -----
From: "Glen" <[email protected]>
SNIP


> Ron Magen wrote:
> > Jim,
> > Definitely something, 'Darwinian', in this.
SNIP
>
> IIRC, one can also be eligible if one loses the capacity to reproduce,
> such as via testicle removal.
>
> Glen

Charlie,
Wasn't there something on this forum {within the last week} about fences? I
think the final comment went something like, "Some people learn from others.
Some people learn from reading. But some people just have to piss on the
electric fence themselves. "

"Charlie Self wrote

> Is it something in the air in Texas that no one will believe others'
> experimentation?

"Mark & Juanita" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
> On Sun, 22 Aug 2004 02:31:24 GMT, [email protected] (Jim) wrote:
>
> >Hi ya'll. A good friend of mine sent me this, You decide.
> >
> >Dear Friends,
> >
> >Most Texas women are fond of saying that their husbands last words on
> > this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold
> > my beer and remote, watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once
> >again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime
> >movie in the near future. Here goes.
> >
> ... snip of a hilarious story
>
> Jim,
>
> That was great! Halfway through, I knew what was coming (kind of
> one of those "no good will come from this" thoughts), but it was still
> funny. [Now, where's the windex, gotta clean that screen].
>
> Oh man, I think I hurt myself laughing.

It could have been worse. You could have been reading this with your wife
sleeping 10 feet away trying not to laugh out loud. I just about busted a
gut (or is that "burst" a gut...well you get the idea).

todd

On Sun, 22 Aug 2004 02:31:24 GMT, [email protected] (Jim) wrote:

>Hi ya'll. A good friend of mine sent me this, You decide…
>
>Dear Friends,
>
>Most Texas women are fond of saying that their husbands last words on
> this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold
> my beer and remote, watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once
>again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime
>movie in the near future. Here goes.
>
... snip of a hilarious story

Jim,

That was great! Halfway through, I knew what was coming (kind of
one of those "no good will come from this" thoughts), but it was still
funny. [Now, where's the windex, gotta clean that screen].

Oh man, I think I hurt myself laughing.

In article <%[email protected]>, "Bob Schmall" <[email protected]> wrote:
>Hey Jim, you don't mind if I send this to the Gene Pool Cleansing Committee,
>do you? 8-)


This one was almost as good as the fireworks one that was on this group a year
or two ago. I loved that one.
Now we have to admit that there has been times that we looked at something &
thought, does this really do what they say it will? Most of us are smart
enough to find a Mikey to try it out. I bet this guy will next time. <g>




Jim
http://home.swbell.net/jb5/